Dear Parents, Caregivers, Teachers, Friends, and Family,
If you take one thing away from this letter, let it be this – thank you.
Thank you for raising, teaching, inspiring, mentoring and encouraging the “good” kids because those kids are the silent majority, they are the end to bullying and school shootings, and they are our future.
This may seem a little backward since kids are “supposed” to be good, but I honestly believe that it is getting harder and harder for kids to make good choices as they navigate their way through a rapidly evolving world full of conflicting messages, epic fears, and challenges that most of us couldn’t even fathom when we were their age. In that context, it really couldn’t hurt to acknowledge and celebrate all of the young individuals who are able to make it through all of that without harming themselves or others.
I’m not suggesting that everyone should get a trophy for doing the right thing or that a reward should be issued when kids are not tormenting others because I have seen the ill effects of that extreme as well, but I am suggesting that there is an imbalance when we have more campaigns, assemblies, and programs that focus on the problem than we have to encourage the solution.
I am a teacher and a mom, so I will be the first one to admit that bullying is a problem and nothing scares me more than the unbelievable amount of school shootings in the past few years. I believe that the bullying and violence is a complex and multi-faceted problem. More specifically, I believe that the young people who treat each other in cruel ways suffer from a lack of connection, compassion, and empathy and that is probably a much bigger problem than we can tell from the interpersonal conflicts that garner all of the attention.
Actually, the amount of attention that gets paid to the bullies and their acts of cruelty and hatred is what inspired me to write this letter. Although I will not deny that there is a problem, I refuse to focus on that problem for a few reasons.
First of all, I would rather use my time and energy looking for a solution than focusing on the problem. Mother Theresa once said that she wouldn’t go to an anti-war rally, but she’d be happy to attend a peace rally and I think this sentiment is so powerful. Many anti-bullying programs actually empower the problem and send a subconscious message to everyone that bullying equals recognition and that is why I prefer positive choice programs like Everyone Matters, Rachel’s Challenge, and the Jesse Lewis Choose Love Foundation because they plant an entirely different seed in the minds of young people.
Secondly, I believe that the kids who are not negatively inspired by the messages are desensitized and that can be almost as detrimental. Young people are inundated with so many messages telling them what NOT to do. If we want kids to truly listen and make good choices, it is a lot more helpful when we help them understand what TO do and encourage them to do those things.
As adults we understand this as well. What motivates you more – someone focusing on what you did wrong and what you shouldn’t be doing? or someone who acknowledges your strengths and sees how hard you are trying? The answer is pretty clear at all ages and as the parents and caregivers of the good kids, I know that you understand this well.
Most importantly, as a journalist so eloquently wrote about the recent school shooting in Oregon, I believe we need to focus on the heroes and not the zeros. In this case, we need to focus on and celebrate the millions of amazing kids who make good choices, act in loving ways, help others, commit acts of kindness, and make our world a better place. If we can take our collective attention from what we don’t want (bullying and violence) and place it on what we do want (kids who make good choices), then, and only then, will there be a shift.
In my eleven years as a public school educator, I may have encountered two or three students who were not at all receptive to encouragement or open to positive suggestions and, at most, ten or fifteen who were truly “bullies”. That works out to be less than 1% of the high school students I encountered, yet those individuals were probably able to capture almost half of the collective attention of their peers and all of the adults in the building.
Why is it that the minority of young people who make the worst decisions get so much more attention than the vast majority who are hardworking, caring, and empathetic individuals? There are a million different answers to this question and many of them have to do with our society and culture while others will focus on the need for awareness and prevention. I agree wholeheartedly with prevention, but it has been my experience that most anti-bullying programming for older kids really does empower the bully by giving their actions a lot of attention along with a pretty massive platform for attention and recognition.
If you also like to focus on solutions and would like to help change that dynamic in order to create a massive platform for everyone else to garner positive attention and recognition, take some action right now. Have a conversation with the young people in your life and let them know that you see their good choices and that you are proud. Then, encourage them to take a few minutes to showcase something that they love and submit it for the Everyone Matters #IMatter project that is going on until October 25th! Last but not least, please leave a comment and share this blog.
Together, I know that we can empower the next generation to be a force for good and it all starts with one individual.
Thank you again!
Infinite love and blessings,
Patty