An open letter to the Kardashians (on their frivolous waste of water)

Subject: An open letter to the Kardashians (on their frivolous waste of water)
From: Ashley Duvan
Date: 2 Sep 2015

Goddamnit, we just love to hate the Kardashians. But our reasons for hating on them in the past were simply because of their exceptional life choices – and their whiny high-pitched voices.

This reason is a little more legit than hating on Kimye for making a designer baby – or for probably naming their future kid South West.

Your lawn is looking awfully nice lately. I mean, did you hear that California is experiencing the biggest drought in history???

Apparently, the Kardashian Mob has decided that the water laws don’t apply to them. Why are we not surprised? Helicopters have recently photographed the neighborhood lawns, showing that the Kardashians are clearly overusing mass amounts of water.

All the while, California is experiencing one of the driest years on record, with over 70% of the state in the dangerous category of extreme drought.

However, the oh-so-considerate clan has opted to continue watering their lush green lawn while their neighbors stare at brown, dried-up gardens.

“There will be consequences,” says Mark Cowin, head of The California Department of Water Resources.

In an effort to crack down on these laws, Kylie Jenner was recently fined for her water usage. Here’s the problem: it was a $100 fine. On her $2.7 million home, that’s .0037% of it’s worth.

That makes me laugh and, to be quite honest, it probably makes Kylie laugh too.

The problem with celebrity justice is that tickets, fines, and money don’t mean sh*t to them. How could we possibly get our point across that the world is f*cking ending to people who are so ignorant it hurts? No, like, really, though. The world is gonna f*cking blow up.

A spokeswoman for Kim Kardashian obnoxiously stated that this story is boring and stupid: “I don’t think celebrity water usage is making a dent in the fight against the drought.”

Well, damn, if you think that, you must be right.

This is similar to Kim’s publicist pointing out that the amount of water the Kardashians (along with other celebrities) are using is comparable to the amount of water farmers are using.

I mean, this definitely makes sense because farmers and celebrities are basically doing the same job and basically getting the same results.

Although the fines clearly have not made an impact on the family’s decision to suck California dry – ha, *wink*– we at least hope that Internet shaming them will.

Note: the Playboy Mansion has recently responded to some Internet shaming by replacing some of its lawn with artificial turf. Ah, Hugh Hefner, always one for plastic enhancements.

So Kardashians, basically what we’re trying to say is, you suck at life – and you and your lawns are looking a little too hydrated these days.


Those in bareness and drought.