Oh the good old university residence life- one hell of a year. Something every first year student must experience. It’s the place you meet your future best friends, your classmates, or in my case, you. I had always envisioned how my first year would be, but trust me, I never saw you coming.
I can't deny that there was an immediate chemistry between us. After sitting next to you in class for the first time, I was so intrigued by you, I knew I needed to pursue that.
At first you were just like any other guy. But sooner than later, classes turned into hangouts, and hangouts turned into flirting. We started out as friends.. friends whose eyes soon began staring at eachother for one second too long. Friends who walked back from class together, and lingered one extra minute because we didn't want the conversation to end. Friends who madeout. Friends who showered together. Friends who then made love, or should I say, simply fucked.
You were the perfect combination of mysteriousness, yet immaturity. I don't think you ever knew what you wanted, and now that I think about it, I didn't either. We were both just kids first year.
I just loved hanging around you, so much so that sometimes I think you got annoyed of me. I loved watching you talk about how the lecture blew your mind that day, or how far behind you were in math questions. I loved watching you go on about how much you hate your prof, and the cute way you would stress out right before your midterm. You were the most easy, chill guy friend I ever could have asked for.
I strangely remember everything about our "relationship". I put that in quotation marks because we acted like we were together when we were in private, but then in public circumstances it was as if we barely even knew eachother.
You taught me the idea of an almost-lover. Someone I never quite had, but liked being around so much. We were so caught up in the idea of you and I, yet never under exclusive terms. We had a mutual unspoken agreement that there were no rules, just that we cared for eachother without having to date. It’s funny because my dream was always to find the “perfect boyfriend” in University. But maybe what I found with you was better- simplicity. No label. No commitment. But that never tainted my desire for you.
I never considered you a fuck buddy, because we were friends too, so we treated eachother with enough respect I'd say. Maybe it was the eternal optimism, or the reassurance of always having someone just a few doors away. Maybe it was your ever-so-charming way of calling me instead of texting, or randomly showing up at my door on lonely nights.
I think about the sweet nothings we talked about in those god awful dorm rooms and the sleepless nights we spent trying to both squish into that single bed. The nights I would lay there running my fingers on your back as you begged me for another massage even though I had just given you one. I learned to appreciate you in a way that I don't think you could ever understand. Perhaps it was simply your presence that reassured me, because we both know how distant you could be at times.
Dating? Nope. Friends with benefits? Hookup buddies? A thing? I couldn't even tell you what we were. I'm not even sure if either of us ever knew. We just took it day by day and somehow that worked for us- no strings attached. I remember one night when we were on your bed and you linked your fingers into mine. I remember looking into your eyes and feeling something for the first time, yet knowing that I wasn’t supposed to catch feelings. You made me believe for a split second there was far more than just physical attraction.
Regardless, I can’t help but think of all the moments we had to put up with eachother- like when you would text me at 3am because you were too lazy to get out of bed and actually come to my room, or the times you’d deal with my annoying drunk ass coming to visit you. You could be the biggest distraction when all I wanted to do was do my homework- you’d be there knocking on my door with that corky grin that I just couldn’t turn down. From your stupid nicknames, to your terrible jokes, to our sober conversations, I learned to love and accept every side to you. I learned to back off when you needed space, but most importantly, I learned to appreciate you when I had you.
There was nothing better than that hot stress sex we would have when we both had papers due the next day. I loved it. I love having you as a backboard, someone who just got me. And even when you would drive me absolutely insane, I could never escape you because you were always just a few doors away.
When I look back on it, I sometimes want to regret that first year because of how unclear it all was.. when grinding up on grimy guys at the club yet wishing I was back in my dorm just chilling with you, or going back home and being asked if I had a boyfriend and every time having to shake my head no. Because "hooking up with this guy" just won't cut it for my parents. But really all I could think about was your damn face the whole time. I was so confused. But then it dawned on me- if you had wanted to date me, you would have by then. I was a nobody yet a somebody to you at the same time. It’s like I was so happy not having a label between us, but sometimes I just wanted to be able to call you mine. There were times I desired you so much then other times when I almost hated you.
I was so mad at myself for never asking you how you felt about any of it. I was too afraid it would wreck what we had, because what we had was good and simple. I became so comfortable around you sometimes it scared me. People always say that anytime sex is involved, it complicates matters. Or that, "one person in the friends-with-benefits always falls for the other person". Bullshit. I don’t believe it for a second. I knew you were never going to fall for me so I put up a guard over my heart that I would not let myself feel too much. We remained nothing more than a dorm-room hookup.
Soon 1 month turned into 8 months, and every time I would think about my freshman year it was your face that came into my mind. And when finals rolled around, I couldn't help but think about the summer and how I would miss you just being there as a friend.
Safe to say you were the most unexpected first-year boy. It’s true everyone has different first year experiences at university, but you were mine. Sure, I made new best friends that I’ll have forever, but there was something more unique about meeting you. You made an impact. You were always more of a good friend to me than a "fuck buddy". I hope that when you think of first year, you think of me too.
Thank you for the times you saved me from my drunk roommates. Thank you for always giving me something fun to do between all the school stress. But most importantly, thank you for showing me that despite everything we went through, you're forever my friend. We are just two people who enjoy eachother’s company. I know I'll have you around for the rest of my University years. How fast first year passed.. September turned to April so quickly.. 8 months that we'll never get back.
You'll always be my first year boy whose name never reached my parents, yet also the boy I've never felt so intimate with. Whether we find other relationships, whether we continue hooking up, or whether we stop everything altogether and just stay good friends, I hope we can both look back and laugh at the way first year went down.
So this is to you, my favourite first-year boy I’m so glad I met.