Three times, that's how many times we have tried from the age of 14-24. Ten years...We recently reconnected actually a year ago. There you went again...sweet talking, showing me you loved me.
You listened, to everything! I mentioned never going to Dave and Busters...BOOM! Next weekend we are heading to Dave and Busters and out to dinner. No where fancy, just ihop, but we talked for hours. Catching up, going over it all.
We would walk around stores like Meijer and Walmart. It was November so we would pick out the way we would want our Christmas tree to look, I never noticed you but you must have been taken notes or something, you literally bought me everything i pointed out and said I wanted to buy myself. You gave it too me for Christmas.
I remember you bought "how the Grinch stole Christmas" and "The year with out a Santa Clause" with some Hot chocolate, and planned a day for us to hang out in your room and watch Christmas movies.
You took me to the zoo to see the lights and what animals were out...and I know you don't think I knew...but i caught you staring at me when i would get excited and it made me so embarrassed.
You took me to the aquarium and helped me pet the sharks and walk across the bridge which was the scariest thing in my life!!!! Let's not forget the countless trips to the movies to watch stuff we both loved! You sometimes more than me...but I loved it because you loved it.
I would see something in a store that i knew you would love and I'd instantly put it in my cart. I loved surprising you with gifts because you deserved them...and I got you so well.
I replay all these memories in my head...I just feel like maybe I can find something bad. Some sort of reason for why it just got to be too much for you.
You had my head in the clouds...God it felt great. To feel wanted...loved...desired. You always knew how to make me feel that way...you also knew how to take it away also. I was scared...but you were so reassuring...we had already been through it twice, It couldn't possibly turn out any different than what it had. We were wrong.
That isn't either of our faults though, i don't think...we've always been horrible with timing. I might just use that as an excuse because its so hard for me to understand.
I don't even think its the act of leaving that kills me...I truly feel like it's more like how little I meant. How I could go from feeling that I was your one and only to feeling like I never mattered at all. I know it isn't easy to hurt someone, especially not me. I know i get annoying and clingy with the constant search for approval from you. I'm not sure why I do it.
I like to tell myself that's why its so easy for you...to just forget. Forget everything about me you ever loved, to forget all the things we have in common; even if they didn't start until after we met.
I think it hurts the most to just be pushed out, like even though you say you want us to be friends, you never give me time to get there you just cut it off at the first sign of strain.
It's how easily you forget that just a few short months prior, you were able to make me feel like i was on top of the world. Now i'm not even worth a reply, i'm not worth a good morning, i'm not worth a passing glance. I just don't understand how every time you forget every single good thing about us; and you will say you don't but you do. If you didn't it wouldn't be so easy, and you'd actually act like you care about how i'm being made to feel.
So to the guy who took my virginity...I just want you to know, when you don't hear from me for a couple hours, it's only because I've typed out about 8 different things i wanted to send you...but it just wasn't good enough to send.
I feel like i'm walking on egg shells because i'm afraid if I show you how broken I am its going to push you away. I just don't know how else to be right now other than broken.
If I do slip up...please understand it isn't because i'm trying to guilt you or ruin you're happiness. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. It's just because sometimes i'm just not strong enough to hold it in all the time. You've always made me feel like i can tell you anything and you'll understand so i just feel like i'm able to confide in you.
I know it seems like this could all go unsaid, but for me it just couldn't. Please don't think for a second i regret a thing we've experienced this year...i'm so grateful to see the best side of you, even if it is for a short time.
"I'll Come Back for you. I promise"
"I know you will!"