Subject: To the guy who strung me along
Date:
20
Jun
2016
I never did tell you just how badly you hurt me. Maybe you had an idea. I'll never know and it doesn't matter anymore. I've cut off any contact with you other than social media. Social media is only .0000099 of my life, anyway. So a little "like" here and there on some post isn't going to hurt. Although I find it a bit amusing because you left me with the impression you didn't give a shit about me. Just this morning at 5 am, when I know you just got off work in the wee hours of the morning, you went and liked something. I find it curious but I'm never going to ask nor ever initiate any contact.
You told me that after I said I was leaving, you wanted us to stay in touch and I almost laughed out loud and could barely contain it. I asked you "Is this the let's be friend's thing you're proposing?" You told me that you wanted us to be each other's cheerleaders at the very least. Because you had such "respect" for me. My intelligence. My strength. The way I handled things and the poise and grace I carried myself with in spite of the past trials of my life. The past trials that bruised me and broke me, most of them from relationships. The past trials you failed to take into account when I trusted you with my heart. You went ahead and did the same things they did without a care or thought in the world. You were no better. You ARE no better and I am certain you will fuck someone else up like you did me. You know. Do what you said you wouldn't do to me but you did, anyway. Women are nothing but collateral damage in your life because you can't seem to pull your head out of your ass and stop being an emotional menace to those who may care about you in the future. As long as you get to stay in your comfort zone and stagnate, fuck all to anyone else who needs your love and respect. We are nothing but a means to an end to you in some form. Whether it be some kind of hero worship or a sex toy.
I saw you flirt on social media with other women. I know you were still seeing your ex-girlfriend. The one who supposedly screwed everything up by betraying you and cheating on you. I see now that it was all a sob story. There's plenty more I know and found out on my own. I can't really say with absolute certainty that everything I think is true, IS true. I can only go with my instincts and say "yes". Again, I'm never going to confront you on it because you're out of my life. Initiating any sort of contact with you would just be emotional self-abuse. Just when I started to feel alright and not despise you. Just slowly ease into apathy.
You flaked out on me time and time again. I had to watch as you would send me pictures of you spending time out with anyone but me. What was I supposed to do with that? Put together a fucking photo album for you? It was a knife in the heart to see that even though you supposedly had no time for me, you sure did make time for your bro time or with anyone else. You dodged me when I asked to see you. You'd come to my house and stay for maybe an hour to have sex and then leave. I never saw your home. Not once. But again, I know why. Your ex was around. And you just didn't want me around.
I'll hold myself accountable for sticking around for far too long. For believing anything you said. I did all I could because I thought if I approached problems from different angle, perhaps they would finally be remedied. But it took two, my friend and you were never going to be a willing participant. I don't know why you kept me around for a little more than half a year. I meant nothing to you except an easy lay when it suited you. You cared nothing about my feelings and then you had the nerve to want to stay friends? What makes you think you'd even be a good friend to me? Don't kid yourself and I know it was another one of your ruses to do some half-hearted attempt to humor me but I saw through it. You lied to me and you deceived me about so much but don't think I didn't see it. I just kind of liked watching you think you had one over on me. My mistake was taking it.
You are so out of my league. You are emotionally stunted, you play games, you lie, you use and you will never be able to have a truly fulfilling relationship because of your double standards. You can openly flirt online with whoever you want but it's not okay for me to even mention a male friend in your presence.
The last straw was Valentine's Day and I should have ended it then and there. When you were supposedly out of town to see your sick brother but now I think that wasn't true. I sent you a cute, sweet text. Because I figured "hey. After six months, I think it's okay to wish the guy you love and care about Happy Valentine's Day, right?" But you never responded. I saw you go and like other people's Valentine's Day posts on social media but absolutely no acknowledgement of what I sent you. No word. I wasn't pressuring you for anything on that day. I didn't even imply anything beforehand. If you felt pressured, that's on you. That was despicable and I will never forget it. That story will go into my book of "Worst things a guy I dated has ever done"
I don't care if you're happy or will ever be happy. You won't be if you continue on the dysfunctional path you've been on. It's unfortunate that I got caught in the mire of your neurosis and unresolved issues. You had ample opportunity to tell me you never intended for me to be in your future but you left it up to me. You let me get to such a frustrated and heartbroken place because you didn't have the fucking backbone to come forth and end it. You should be ashamed of yourself. A grown ass thirty plus man can't even come forward and tell someone it should be over because one is more emotionally invested in the other. I feel bad for any woman from here on out. Because she's going to have to go through the hell I went through and I know I should have put a stop to long before my heart got trampled on. That's my fault.
I thought I loved you and I told you as much but in hindsight, I didn't. How could I love a ghost? Someone who was never really around? I guess I was lonely and liked the idea of loving you. We had plenty in common and I was willing to see you through your shit provided you would do the work to get it together. But I guess it was too hard or some bullshit like that. I convinced myself you felt the same way but was just scared and would eventually come around. Boy, had I never been more wrong about anything and anyone in my life. It's okay because I learned a lot from this whereas I'm sure you learned nothing. You got what you wanted out of it and are living out your life in complete ignorant bliss of just how much you hurt someone. I was quite good to you but you're too self-absorbed to see a good thing in front of you.
No wonder she cheated, by the way. You probably left her in a lurch because you were too into yourself and where you were going that you failed to see what you had and took it for granted. I know there are two sides to every story and while I sympathized with you at first, I can now understand why she strayed on you. She got tired of the crap she had to endure. But you'll never learn, will you? It's fortunate that I didn't go running into the arms of someone else but I had plenty of opportunity to do so. I sure did. But I didn't want to cause any damage. A courtesy and a concept with which you are not familiar.
Maybe you'll clean up and wise up. There's hope for anyone. I only say this with the thought of the women out there who may come into your life. It's them I am worried about.
You told me that after I said I was leaving, you wanted us to stay in touch and I almost laughed out loud and could barely contain it. I asked you "Is this the let's be friend's thing you're proposing?" You told me that you wanted us to be each other's cheerleaders at the very least. Because you had such "respect" for me. My intelligence. My strength. The way I handled things and the poise and grace I carried myself with in spite of the past trials of my life. The past trials that bruised me and broke me, most of them from relationships. The past trials you failed to take into account when I trusted you with my heart. You went ahead and did the same things they did without a care or thought in the world. You were no better. You ARE no better and I am certain you will fuck someone else up like you did me. You know. Do what you said you wouldn't do to me but you did, anyway. Women are nothing but collateral damage in your life because you can't seem to pull your head out of your ass and stop being an emotional menace to those who may care about you in the future. As long as you get to stay in your comfort zone and stagnate, fuck all to anyone else who needs your love and respect. We are nothing but a means to an end to you in some form. Whether it be some kind of hero worship or a sex toy.
I saw you flirt on social media with other women. I know you were still seeing your ex-girlfriend. The one who supposedly screwed everything up by betraying you and cheating on you. I see now that it was all a sob story. There's plenty more I know and found out on my own. I can't really say with absolute certainty that everything I think is true, IS true. I can only go with my instincts and say "yes". Again, I'm never going to confront you on it because you're out of my life. Initiating any sort of contact with you would just be emotional self-abuse. Just when I started to feel alright and not despise you. Just slowly ease into apathy.
You flaked out on me time and time again. I had to watch as you would send me pictures of you spending time out with anyone but me. What was I supposed to do with that? Put together a fucking photo album for you? It was a knife in the heart to see that even though you supposedly had no time for me, you sure did make time for your bro time or with anyone else. You dodged me when I asked to see you. You'd come to my house and stay for maybe an hour to have sex and then leave. I never saw your home. Not once. But again, I know why. Your ex was around. And you just didn't want me around.
I'll hold myself accountable for sticking around for far too long. For believing anything you said. I did all I could because I thought if I approached problems from different angle, perhaps they would finally be remedied. But it took two, my friend and you were never going to be a willing participant. I don't know why you kept me around for a little more than half a year. I meant nothing to you except an easy lay when it suited you. You cared nothing about my feelings and then you had the nerve to want to stay friends? What makes you think you'd even be a good friend to me? Don't kid yourself and I know it was another one of your ruses to do some half-hearted attempt to humor me but I saw through it. You lied to me and you deceived me about so much but don't think I didn't see it. I just kind of liked watching you think you had one over on me. My mistake was taking it.
You are so out of my league. You are emotionally stunted, you play games, you lie, you use and you will never be able to have a truly fulfilling relationship because of your double standards. You can openly flirt online with whoever you want but it's not okay for me to even mention a male friend in your presence.
The last straw was Valentine's Day and I should have ended it then and there. When you were supposedly out of town to see your sick brother but now I think that wasn't true. I sent you a cute, sweet text. Because I figured "hey. After six months, I think it's okay to wish the guy you love and care about Happy Valentine's Day, right?" But you never responded. I saw you go and like other people's Valentine's Day posts on social media but absolutely no acknowledgement of what I sent you. No word. I wasn't pressuring you for anything on that day. I didn't even imply anything beforehand. If you felt pressured, that's on you. That was despicable and I will never forget it. That story will go into my book of "Worst things a guy I dated has ever done"
I don't care if you're happy or will ever be happy. You won't be if you continue on the dysfunctional path you've been on. It's unfortunate that I got caught in the mire of your neurosis and unresolved issues. You had ample opportunity to tell me you never intended for me to be in your future but you left it up to me. You let me get to such a frustrated and heartbroken place because you didn't have the fucking backbone to come forth and end it. You should be ashamed of yourself. A grown ass thirty plus man can't even come forward and tell someone it should be over because one is more emotionally invested in the other. I feel bad for any woman from here on out. Because she's going to have to go through the hell I went through and I know I should have put a stop to long before my heart got trampled on. That's my fault.
I thought I loved you and I told you as much but in hindsight, I didn't. How could I love a ghost? Someone who was never really around? I guess I was lonely and liked the idea of loving you. We had plenty in common and I was willing to see you through your shit provided you would do the work to get it together. But I guess it was too hard or some bullshit like that. I convinced myself you felt the same way but was just scared and would eventually come around. Boy, had I never been more wrong about anything and anyone in my life. It's okay because I learned a lot from this whereas I'm sure you learned nothing. You got what you wanted out of it and are living out your life in complete ignorant bliss of just how much you hurt someone. I was quite good to you but you're too self-absorbed to see a good thing in front of you.
No wonder she cheated, by the way. You probably left her in a lurch because you were too into yourself and where you were going that you failed to see what you had and took it for granted. I know there are two sides to every story and while I sympathized with you at first, I can now understand why she strayed on you. She got tired of the crap she had to endure. But you'll never learn, will you? It's fortunate that I didn't go running into the arms of someone else but I had plenty of opportunity to do so. I sure did. But I didn't want to cause any damage. A courtesy and a concept with which you are not familiar.
Maybe you'll clean up and wise up. There's hope for anyone. I only say this with the thought of the women out there who may come into your life. It's them I am worried about.