Family

Dear Ex-Fiancé, Sometime last summer I contracted an infection in my left hand. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Probably something along the lines of: “That didn’t happen,” or “Classic Dramalie,” or “Are you talking about your eczema?” It happened. My feelings are valid and I’m not being insane, exaggerative, weird, or any of the other cute nicknames you’ve given me. I resent that most of my spare time is occupied defending my sanity to you and others. Yes, after we broke up I almost eloped with a stranger and then five minutes later had a difficult time explaining to him that I wasn’t ready to call him my boyfriend. And yes, on more than one occasion I have expressed an interest in giving up all of my vices—yet every time you see me I smell like a drunk tobacco factory....
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Dear Grandpa, I never knew you. You died when my dad was only a small child. And truth be told, I never really thought of you. Until now. I think about you every time I log in to check my bank account and am prompted to verify the first name of my paternal grandfather. I’m ashamed to say the first time this happened I had to think hard to remember the answer. That’s how little I thought about you. But now I am forced to reconcile with your memory every time I go to check an overdraft or transfer from savings. Over time this began to condition me to think of you in a negative light. It was Pavlovian. Every time I typed your name I would immediately be shown how poor I am. I began to resent you. What kind of name is “Espy” anyway?! But then I realized how unfair of me it is to place all...
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Dear Son, Every woman tells the story of her labour, just like old men regale youngsters with their exploits in the war. It’s our mothers’ privilege. So here’s mine. I know you’re not interested, but tough. Here goes. I was just a kid and scared witless. I made out I wasn’t, but I was. My mother warned it wouldn’t be pleasant. And it wasn’t. I laboured with you for twenty two hours; my contractions were five minutes apart from the first two hours, and then four minutes apart for nearly fifteen, then three minutes for what seemed like forever. I didn’t think it would ever end. And you know what? It didn’t really, because after I FINALLY delivered you (with the cord around your neck no less – freaking us all out on top of that!), I then only got to sleep in ten to sixty minute...
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Dear Ex-Husband, When I saw you in your driveway yesterday, at our routinely scheduled pickup time, it occurred to me suddenly that I have not seen you naked in almost two years. I know that my face must have conveyed the relief I was feeling at this revelation, and I’m sorry I lied and said I was distracted by the dog. I was actually distracted by your penis. I am just trying to be honest. I figure this is important now, since it’s something neither of us could manage to do while we were married. So in keeping with this new philosophy, there are a few things I things I think it’s important for me to say to you. First, I am sorry. I am sorry that we promised ‘forever’ to each other when we had no concept of what ‘forever’ meant. If there is fault in that promise, it lies in...
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Dear Pastor, Tone can be tricky in writing. Picture me popping my head in your office door, smiling and asking if we could talk for five minutes. I’m sipping on my diet coke as I sit down. You know that I’m not one to shy away from speaking my mind, part of the reason you love me (mostly!), so I’m guessing that internally you brace yourself wondering what might be next. I set my can down and this is what I’d say. A few years ago I sat across from a woman who told me she doesn’t go to church on Mother’s Day because it is too hurtful. I’m not a mother, but I had never seen the day as hurtful. She had been married, had numerous miscarriages, divorced and was beyond child bearing years. It was like salt in mostly healed wounds to go to church on that day. This made me sad, but I...
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To our daughter, When your teenage kids begin to date it can be a very difficult thing for parents to accept. On the one hand you want them to experience the positives of a relationship and even finding love, but you also want to protect them from the pitfalls and heartbreak of the bad ones. As a parent our feelings might tend to border on the more protective, after all it isn't that difficult to guess what the majority of young boys are after...and girls too nowadays. But to ignore both the possible good and bad sides of discussing relationships and sex with your teenagers is something that should be avoided at all costs, no matter how awkward you may feel it is. After all, the more we are open about these things, the more likely they are to respond positively to your advice and...
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At ICBC, we know we have a great responsibility to British Columbians and you rightfully expect high-quality service and insurance coverage from us. We also know your main concern is how much you pay for your insurance. That’s why we want to let you know about our requirement to file an application today for a basic insurance rate increase with the British Columbia Utilities Commission, our first application since late 2011. We are also able to reduce our optional rates which will lessen the impact on our customers. As a result, about 80 per cent of customers – those who purchase their full personal vehicle insurance with ICBC – will see an average increase of less than a dollar a month. We don’t, however, believe it would be right to ask our customers – many of whom are...
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Dear Family, I am sorry to hear about your loss. Unfortunately there was no reason to include me in your loss, especially not when you don't seem capable of ringing me or emailing me, but instead try to contact me through a messenger site with contact details I never gave you. But that is pretty typical. Back when we used to play happy families, I remember my sister texting me the news of our Aunt's death. I am not sure why you contacted me. I do not know how you had contact details that you had no right to, and wiped my face in that, just as you did a while ago by adding me on Facebook. Is there something wrong with you? Well yes, you all have alcohol and mental health problems, but that is beside the point, I do not do as you do and use a label like "Mental illness...
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Dear Family, I am sorry to hear about your loss. Unfortunately there was no reason to include me in your loss, especially not when you don't seem capable of ringing me or emailing me, but instead try to contact me through a messenger site with contact details I never gave you. But that is pretty typical. Back when we used to play happy families, I remember my sister texting me the news of our Aunt's death. I am not sure why you contacted me. I do not know how you had contact details that you had no right to, and wiped my face in that, just as you did a while ago by adding me on facebook. Is there something wrong with you? Well yes, you all have alcohol and mental health problems, but that is beside the point, I do not do as you do and use a label like 'Mental illness' to shun...
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Dear "husband," I've always wanted to be married. But I've always said that I only want one marriage. That when I finally do get married, it's forever. All my friends in high school got married to their sweethearts or someone worthy of them. Someone who treats them like they are worth EVERYTHING. I was "engaged" twice, but they were far from worthy of me. Both were abusive. Then I found the strength in myself and loved and lived my life. Dated. Went out with girlfriends. Then met you. You were dating a friend of mine, and we hung out as friends, but she ended up doing you way dirty. She cheated on you the day you left to go home. And called you the next day to tell you and break up with you. I continued being your friend because you were cool and nice and didn't deserve that. I told...
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