You should be a little over a year old now. Last month, we should have celebrated a birthday. There should have been a cake and balloons. It should have been a family event.
Instead, I celebrated what could have been in silence. I didnt mention you to your dad. I don't know if he thinks about you year round, but come October 15th and you'll be all thats on either of our minds.
In my heart, I know you were a boy. I don't know why, it just feels right. When I think of you I will always consider you my little boy. You have a little sister now. We found out about her about the same time you should have been born. She is amazing, and beautiful, and I wouldnt trade her for anything, but sometimes I wonder what could have been if you had made your way into this world.
I know she wouldn't...
Family
I am sitting here in tears, 9 years of regrets, 7 years of missing you , of missing everything. As I sit here with my two beautiful children ( your little sister and brother) I wonder to myself if you are going to hate me. I beat myself up over and over again in my mind, I am being ate up by guilt.
How can I be the picture of a great mother too your siblings but gave you up for adoption?
Are you going to hate me one day for my young and childish mistakes and choices?
All I ever wanted was for you to have the best of everything in life, and to be honest that was not me at the time, and most definitely not your father.
I wanted you to be safe, to not grow up in the pain,fear,misery, and dysfunction that I did. I wanted you to have a positive role model of a mother of a father and I...
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From the very first time he introduced us, I knew your intentions. I didn't like you, but I tolerated you for his sake. I don't know if it was the was you kept grabbing him as if he were your property, or the way you looked at me in complete disgust that made it more obvious. You didn't like me, and you definitely didn't respect me as his fiance.
Then, it happened. He asked if our relationship could be open. Obviously, he still wanted me, he just wanted you on the side, "to keep things fresh", he said. That was not okay, I told him no. You both heard me say it. Yet, you still slept with him.
I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle your existence in his life. I was so glad when you finally fell off the grid and blocked every possible way of him contacting you. We were truly about...
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First and foremost, I love you. Not just because I'm obligated to because you're my brother, but I actually love the person you've become. I'm proud of you, and your dedication to everything you do. You are amazing!
With that being said, I absolutely hate being your sister. I hate being compared to you. I absolutely hate being inferior to you just because you're younger and already have your life planned.
So what? We took different paths. I wanted a family, and I know I didn't go about that the right way. But, I got my baby.
I'm happy with my life, but when compared to you, society isn't and I hate that. The looks I get from our family because I chose not to go for the career path immediately are so demeaning, and you'll never understand that.
You have always been seen so perfect...
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It never seems to fail. My parenting skills are often criticized. Friends and family alike start quibbling and with a grumble proclaim that my son "plays too many video games" and "watches to much T.V". They make insensitive comments like "oh, Luke really needs to lose weight" or "how is Luke doing on his diet", "is Luke exercising", "Luke really needs to stop playing video games and then maybe he will lose weight". Then there's the tactless comments such as "doesn't Luke have any motivation" or "is Luke, you know, slow".
Newsflash family and friends...my son is in the room with us!! My son is hearing every hurtful, damaging word you have said!!! Newsflash...your treatment of my son is reprehensible!
Why does my son play so many video games and watch T.V?? Well, let's...
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Having a child with disabilities comes with many ups and downs. Each day proves to be a new learning experience for me. You see, I have the sweetest 7 year old that has unfortunately been dealt a hand full of bad cards, but he somehow lives everyday as if those cards were actually a Royal Flush. I sit back at the end of the day and thank God for this child and his huge heart and positive outlook on life. Knowing how easy going and positive my child is makes it all the more difficult when we walk out into the real world and see how thoughtless, inconsiderate, and tasteless people can be, most of the time not even realizing how their actions, or lack thereof, slowly chip away pieces of my child's enthusiastic approach to living life with disabilities.
This year has proven difficult for my...
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I sit here as our precious child sleeps and a million thoughts run through my head about you, about our child. I no longer hate you, but pity you. I’m not sure if, or when, I will ever be able to fully forgive you though for the anger, frustration, sorrow, fear, and distress that you have brought into my life, and to this family. It truly astonishes me sometimes, not that you probably care though. Sometimes I’m not sure whether to despise you, or thank you… maybe both. After all, you did give me the most precious gift I could ever receive; our beautiful baby boy. While you are out running the streets, making your deals, trying to hide from the cops, i'm with our son spending precious moments with him.
Sometimes I wonder how I once saw so much potential in you. Things you obviously...
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As I lay here watching our 4 month old sleep, with her hands above her head and her occasional snore, all I can think about is how deeply I pity you.
I pity you for the fact that you're missing out on this. Together, you and I created the absolute most amazing thing on the face of this earth. She is beautiful, and she is already so so smart. Not every day is perfect, and I can guarantee that no day is easy, but she makes absolutely every day worth living.
I pity you for the fact that you don't know how it feels for her eyes to light up as soon as she sees you. Sure, she'll giggle at you when you visit, and yes sometimes you can console her when she's not feeling well but, at the end of her very worst days, even if you tried to be there for her, she's going to want me.
I pity...
2,491
To my extended family,
Words cannot describe you, but I'm going to try. Most of you are very rude and selfish. You can't try to deny it. I know sometimes I can be, too, but most of the time, you all are awful. How could you possibly be that nasty to someone in your family? Oh wait you have. Well before my rant begins I need to start at the beginning.
We use to have a fabulous relationship. We were always includes in everything from event to just dinners. Now we are alone.. This all started with a simple assumptions that someone thoughy they knew what was right to do and what wasnt right to do when it comes to tradition. Literally all these conflicts started because of a thin piece of paper. Then a couple weeks later you hit us with another bomb. These simple things caused a ripple...
9,991
We had a plan. For 8 months we prayed. We checked calenders waiting for the right days. For 8 months, everytime it didn't happen I broke down and you'd tell me it would be okay. Then one day, it happened. there were no tears. A little blue plus sign made our plan come true.
Our life wasnt perfect, but we wanted this baby. Together, we wanted her. When I put the little pink onsie on her that says "made with love", I know its true. I did love you, and deep down still do.
But, something inside both of us changed. For me, it was fear. For the first time in my life I was afraid of everything. I lived in constant fear that one day I would wake up and it was all be gone. You, the baby growing inside of me, everything. I was scared to lose you which is exactly what drove you away.
You...
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