Dear Deadbeat,
You've missed 9 birthdays, 9 Christmases, 9 Father's Days. Countless sporting events. You don't know his shoe size, his best friend's name, or his favorite subject in school. You have never been to a doctors appointment, dentist appointment, etc. You've given a total of $40.00 of financial support his entire life. That was for baby food when he was 6 months old.
Sometimes I feel bad for you, knowing the way you grew up. But then I remind myself that you're a 28 year old grown "man".
You will likely never know the size of the hole you've caused inside of our son. The hole that makes him sit quietly, thinking, when his friends are talking about their dads. The hole that made him ask me why he can't see you when we picked my stepson up from visitation with his Mom. The hole that will make him into a better man than you'll ever be.
He used to have a frame with 8 different pictures of you hanging on his wall. One day last year, I found it beside his entertainment center against leaning against the wall. I asked him if he didn't want it hanging up for a reason and he just shrugged his shoulders. I left it alone.
I've always told him that he can talk to me about you anytime he wants to. I've told him stories from when you raced dirt bikes years ago. He has some pictures of you on your bike. He watches home videos with you in them from when I was pregnant with him.
You used to call from time to time and say you'll come see him. But you never actually would. He'd tell me you probably won't show up and when that day came, he wouldn't even mention you.
A part of me is sad every single day for him. Not for him missing out on you, a homeless drug addicted mooch, but for the void he'll always feel.
I don't know what caused the switch to go off all those years ago, but when it did, you turned into someone I didn't know. Drugs became your life and now years later, you have yet to get clean and build a life for yourself. It's sad. It's pathetic. There are dads that fight to see their kids. Then there's dads like you. I would never deny you time with him, I would never leave you out of the loop on anything. All you had to do was make him a priority.
Around a year or so ago, out of the blue said he wants to have my last name. My married last name. I repeated what he said, and he replied, "Yeah, I don't want to be the only one with a different last name." It was like a punch to the gut to hear that. You know what that told me? Our son feels left out. Me, my husband, my daughter and my stepsons have the same last name. Our son has your last name but he doesn't have you. I told him I would think about it. It's been mentioned again here or there, like 2 weeks ago when it came time to put his last name on his football jersey. He said he wanted me and my husband's last name. I told him he probably should put his own last name since that's what he goes by, and so he did.
I worry every day if he's wondering about you. If he wonders why he wasn't good enough for your sobriety, your love, your presence. (I wonder the same thing) He's intelligent, athletic, funny. He has a huge heart, he's the best big brother and a good friend. I wonder if he'll grow and be proud of me for never pushing him on you. I have never petitioned the court to make you pay child support or fought for you to have visitation. I've never tried to make him your responsibility. He wasn't worth you getting clean, getting a job, a home, a life.
I will never understand how you can lay your head down at night and be content. Content with couch surfing, living in your vehicle, never seeing or talking to your one and only son. He looks exactly like you, stands like you, makes the same facial expressions as you. He has your fingers, the same moles as you, the same eyes, the same hair. Perfectly straight teeth just like you. And you're missing out.
I've debated on doing this for far too long and I finally made up my mind. This is a thank you and a goodbye. Thank you for staying away. You were never going to do better, it's best that you haven't helped raise my son. Your sperm donation is greatly appreciated. Goodbye.
