to the woman that turned out to be everything she said she wasn't

Subject: to the woman that turned out to be everything she said she wasn't
From: kt
Date: 16 May 2017

i don’t know where it came from, all this love i have for you.
it was never my plan to fall in love with you, but you know what? it happened, and that's the truth.
you want to know how i know i loved you?
i'll tell you.
someone who truly loves you, sees you at your worst, sees all your imperfections, sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, and how hard you can be to handle, but STILL wants you.
and that, that is how i know i loved you wholeheartedly, cos i witnessed all those things and i loved you still, i even began to love your imperfections as much as i loved you.
and i can tell you with certainty - you will never find anyone that loved you as much as i did.
i can promise you that.
so in the end, ill come out of this stronger and all the more wiser, and one day i'll find the love i deserve and i'll love them with all i have left in me, and you?
well, one day you'll wake up alone with the realization that you lost someone who truly loved you,
truly adored every part of you,
would have given you everything she had to give...
and you,
you destroyed her.
so, for the next woman you bring into your life, or correction, already have in your life;
please don't fuck with her feelings like you did mine.
don’t ever fuck with someone else’s feelings just because you’re unsure of your own.
i would never wish this type of pain on anyone,
not even her,
nor you.
i hope she never has to experience this type of pain.
what kind of pain?

//////

allow me to share a story with you:
it’s about a woman you loved,
a woman who turned out to be everything she said she wasn't,
the one who led you on and gave you false hope for a future you'll never have.
a woman that made you believe you actually stood a chance when you never really had one.
now picture this;
you're happy and in love and feel like you're on top of the world and that despite your past heartbreak,
she gives you hope to believe in it again,
to believe in love again.
and then one Monday morning you're in her bed, giving her kisses, holding her, you both were smiling and laughing cos you were bitter that you had to leave for work and she was eating the last of your starburst minis...
then not even 2 days later,
she tells you she can't do this anymore, she can't be in a relationship right now or anytime soon, that she cant keep being "unfair" to you by keeping you waiting for her to be emotionally available when she won't be for a long time.
that she wants to be single and spend time with friends because "no one ever just wants to be my friend"
and in order for her to do that she requires your absence,
but you saw this coming,
which is why you accepted it despite its painful reality.
and you got by okay for a little while cos you had this small hope that it would always be you and her in the end.
that when she did find herself emotionally ready to be in a relationship,
she'd come find you.
that she'd finally give you the future you both talked about together,
that she'd finally let you in,
but she had other plans.
cos then you find out the real truth behind her sudden epiphany weeks later,
it came in the form of betrayal.
she didn't really want to spend time for herself and her friends, her family,
no, that was just the lie she used to cover up the painful truth.
instead, she casted you aside to make room for another.
and that,
that's what destroyed you
[that's what destroyed me]
rejection
unrequited love
being dropped like you never meant anything,
like she never even cared,
that is a painful realization i wouldn't wish on anyone.

//////

i spent 6 months trying to win your affection
i gave you 6 months of my life, my time,
my devotion, love, care, respect, patience and understanding;
half a year, V*******
thats 152 days i'll never get back.
i was just the rebound girl after all
the 'in between girl'
the one you use until you find what you're really searching for.
for 6 months i warmed up your bed and kept you company
all for another woman to replace me in the end.
so the other painful realization is not that you couldn't be emotionally available or that you weren't ready for a relationship, it was that you just didn't want it to be with me
i just wasn't good enough
i wasn't what you wanted
but you kept me around anyway
idk why
or how
you could continue stringing me along knowing i wasn't what you wanted?
you could have saved me from this pain months ago, but no,
you made me believe i actually had a real chance to be with you
cos you once told me you were “starting to see that we could work, that we could be more” (those were the words you said to me after i caught you in a lie the first time and threatened to walk away, those words are what made me stay, know what that is called? it’s a prime example of leading someone on)
and you know the worst part of it all?
you won't even admit to your mistakes, you won't even own up to them, you still think you did nothing wrong, that i'm just crazy and jumping to conclusions, overreacting you would say,
but im not.
these are my feelings
and a trust you shattered
and i’ll never get the apology i truly deserve,
and that,
that is just plain cowardly.
(it’s quite hypocritical of you, cos you once told me you were nothing like my ex but you actually turned out to be worse,
cos at least J**** was brave enough to be honest about why she did what she did and own up to the pain she caused me and apologized for causing it)
so, you can tell everyone whatever you want about why i'm no longer in your life,
i honestly don't care,
you can tell them i turned out to be “crazy” “overdramatic” “too emotional” “too sensitive”
idc
you can call me names and speak ill of me all you want
but that doesn't matter to me
it has no affect on me cos both you and i know the truth,
you just won't own up to it.
and who knows why you did what you did to me
i guess i’ll never know
maybe you kept me around for as long as you did cos i stroked your ego
or cos you knew i'd always be there
id always answer your call and reply to your texts
id always answer the door for you
i’d never say no to you
(i'd have done anything for you)
so you kept me around despite knowing deep down i wasn't what you really wanted
that you didn't feel the same way i felt for you
and knowing the scars from my past and
that i had already been broken before,
that it took me six years to give my heart to another, and by some cursed luck, my heart chose you, and you smashed it then threw it right back in my face as soon as the girl of your dreams came back into your life.
you threw me out like garbage the moment you realized you could have her.
and this pain you left me with is almost unbearable cos
while your out living your new life happily and unscathed
falling for another
holding another
kissing another
sharing a bed i kept warm for six months with another,
all the while my heart is still with you
you still have ALL of me
i never even got it back from you
and i'm falling apart agonizingly slow,
piece-by-piece,
day-by-day,
the pain gets worse every single day
it hasnt gotten easier or less painful yet
i wake up every morning and reach across the sheets to find you and then,
then the realization hits me all over again,
that i'm alone,
and you're waking up next to someone else.
and she,
she is going to get the one thing i tried so hard to earn but you had no intention of giving me:
a reciprocated love.
so yes, i do wish i could have those 6 months back,
cos nothing is worth this pain.
you hurt me more than anyone ever has,
you mentally destroyed me, and as if that wasn’t enough,
you've made me question my entire worth all over again when i spent so long putting myself back together,
you've made me question everything i am.
i had spent so many years avoiding this, scared it would happen to me again,
and you knew all of that and yet you still let it happen.
the one thing i'd never have dreamed of doing to you,
you did without hesitation or regret.
i will never be the same after this,
i want you to know that.
you turned me into someone i never thought i'd be,
someone i've never wanted to be.
cos where i once wore my heart on my sleeve proudly,
you've reminded me why i should keep it hidden.
so now,
my heart is locked away behind walls not even a demolition crew could make crumble.
i'm now the woman you used to be when i dated you;
cold
closed off
icy
unemotional
and detached
my soul will never be the same
my heart will never be the same
ill put the pieces back together again
eventually yes,
but my soul will look like a goddamn patchwork quilt
and these scars on my heart
(the ones you've created)
will never heal,
they'll be there to serve as a constant reminder that you shouldn't trust everyone's intentions are as pure as your own,
that everyone has a devil inside them, and that
some are more cruel than others.
so no, i'd never wish this pain on anyone cos
nothing hurts worse than giving someone all of you, doing the best you can,
sticking by them through thick and thin,
and it still not being good enough.

i guess you turned out to be the storm after all,
a storm disguised as a lighthouse.
just know,
all the others after me will only ever see plain old brown eyes,
but i,
i once saw galaxies.

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