What was my crime?

Subject: What was my crime?
From: A
Date: 12 Jul 2017

Dear M

It was nearly two years ago when you spoke to me, a friendless soul, so kindly. I was going through a painful divorce. I had vowed never to fall in love. You crossed my path multiple times. Unconsciously, and against my better judgment, I began to fall for you. I did not, however, utter a word to you, or do anything to get in your way.

Then, nearly, an year ago, our paths crossed once again. This time, you looked at me and smiled, out of the blue. I was left speechless; my heart felt a dull, soundless blow. Yet, I did not speak to you, or get in your way. When you were around, I would stare into nothingness. Then our paths crossed once again. This time you smiled that beautiful smile of yours and said "Hi"! I replied back, unable to believe my ears.

This continued for a while. We would pass each other in the hallways and say "Hi". In my mind, I developed a fantasy relationship with you. I began to hope. Yet, I never said anything to you beyond "Hi". I never got in your way, or did anything dishonorable.

Then I sensed you began to keep your distance. It seemed you had altered your schedule to avoid me. We would still greet each other in the hallways. Then, one day, our paths crossed again. I looked at your face, about to say "Hi", but you face had a stern expression I could only read as controlled anger. I didn't greet you and you didn't either. The next day I got an e-mail announcing it was your birthday. I wished you over e-mail and you thanked me the next day, both over e-mail and in person, and since then, began avoiding me even more actively. You would still say "Hi" whenever you bumped into me, but your body language around me was increasingly closed and negative. This caused me great distress. I did not seek to become the source of your unhappiness. I did my best to avoid you, but you would appear out of the blue and say "Hi!", crushing my resolve time and again.

My birthday came and went, but you did not wish me. This hurt me. A part of me felt ashamed that I even expected you to wish me. I congratulated you on your success, but you responded coldly.Then, one day, you changed your path when you saw me approaching. I felt like a cheap, roadside goon who had made inappropriate advances at you. I again strove to avoid you. Two weeks later, you again said "Hi", waving your hand in my face while I attempted to look away while crossing your path.

Last week, you were sitting alone in the cafeteria. I walked up to you and said "Hi". You kept looking at your phone, with a look of anger and disgust on your face. I kept staring at your face for what felt like an eternity, before walking myself out. Why didn't you say anything, or even look at me, or even slap me for my abominable crime. I felt as if I had just tried to molest you! You have avoided me ever since, and I haven't dared to even look in your direction.

What did I do to become such a monster to you? You made me feel like I had never felt in my life. It wasn't your body, your manners, or even your charming smile that hooked me to you. I felt as if you were a part of my soul. People will tell me that I am stupid and immature and wasted two years over a hopeless crush. They will laugh at my timidity and accuse me of being blind to the thousands of girls potentially waiting for me. But that's who I am. All I wanted, and still want, is for you to be happy, even if you are not with me. Even in my fantasies, all I ever dreamed of was loving you and caring for you, not receiving anything from you. When you snubbed me last week, it felt like a part of me had died. I tried getting angry at you. I reminded myself I had a right to do so as you had injured my self-respect. Yet, I am ashamed, that the only thing I feel for you right now is love and sympathy, and anger at myself for having inadvertently caused you such distress.

I will not greet you in future, or even look in your direction. I will make every effort to stay out of your way. I will not try to make you feel guilty. And I won't give you the golden rose I bought for you last year. But if you ever say "Hi", I will answer back. Please do not hate me! I am not a stalker or a crazy psychopath. I do not wish you ill or question your right to choose whom you should love. My only crime is that I can't help liking you.



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