We Are Not Spare Tires

Subject: We Are Not Spare Tires
From: M
Date: 6 Aug 2017

Before I decided to write this tonight, I made sure to send it few hours after the sunrise while you are well and looking forward for a great day.

I'd rather learn how to love people who chooses me than to put myself nowhere in your heart. I'm getting tired of fighting and giving up my heart in the end. This time I chose not to tolerate the pain, just too much. I cannot be in between. I don't want to be labeled as a relationship wrecker not even someone's on call. I know how love should understand but I opted not to. This is the first time that I closed my eyes from all the beautiful thoughts of you and focused on the moments when I broke my heart while holding onto you. I am feeling the real pain hidden for years. You with her in a situation I can't understand made me feel this. Ironically, I thank you. At last, I felt like I deserve a definite spot, a label, not in between, an all or nothing game. I'll conquer my fear of loosing you if it means a better place for the both of us. Even though I'm scared, I'll just give up. I can cry for so many nights and wait until everything feels so numb instead of killing my ability to believe in love while hoping for ours. You are right that I should free myself from loving you.

I know, you know how I feel and I am certain that you understand every piece of me. I want you to be really happy and be free from judgements. I don't know how to wake up and fall asleep without thoughts of you but I've got no choice but to deal with insomnia for the meantime. I hope this will be my last time of talking about love and you. We both deserve what's best for us and may be we can't find it in each other equally. I'm not a spare tire and so as you.

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