Dear January,
First of all, let me start this letter off by saying I’m already mad at you because I fully intended to write this letter to Anne Hathaway, who pretty much wore a bodice and a see-through slip to the 2013 Screen Actors Guild Awards tonight. Maybe she wanted to prove that she does actually wear underwear after pulling a Britney/Lindsay/Paris at the Les Miserables premiere, where she went commando but nevertheless managed to strap up her dominatrix boots and throw on her handy garbage bag. Unfortunately, I’m stuck writing this to everyone’s least favorite emotionally stunted suburban housewife because you came to the SAGs looking like Carlisle Cullen.
(Don’t worry, though – there’s still a picture of Anne at the Les Mis premiere at the end of this letter. I just couldn’t resist.)
I know you’re mad that you had to wear a fat suit for Mad Men, because obviously Betty Draper is meant to be a skinny b**ch, but that’s no excuse to let Damon Salvatore turn you into a vampire. That very, very pale skin tone is kind of making you look albino, and the blonde hair – albeit with tacky dark roots – really isn’t helping. Seriously, Peter Facinelli may be a DILF, but that’s no excuse for trying to look like him on the red carpet.
January Jones continues to look like a hot mess at the 2013 Screen Actors Guild Awards (Twitter)
January Jones continues to look like a hot mess at the 2013 Screen Actors Guild Awards (Twitter)
But I guess you realized that your alabaster hue was looking slightly sickly, because you apparently decided to slather on some orange lipstick in order to offset all that white. Orange. I’m going to insult a different aspect of this ensemble, because the makeup is scaring me a little bit.
Let’s talk about your hair. You are (not) rocking a bouffant hairstyle. Pretty sure that’s the only time in my life that I’ve ever used the word “bouffant,” but I actually like it. The word, not the hair. A bouffant hairstyle only seems to kind-of-work on women with long hair, and even then it’s highly questionable. You should have stuck with your classy early Mad Men coif. Your hair looked so great that Helen’s majorly creepy kid from season one wanted a lock of it to keep in his drawer, remember?
Weirdly enough, your dress is the least bad part of this outfit, but honestly it’s still pretty bad. You opted for a tuxedo gown with a very peculiar neckline that looks more like a choker but is a little too low-cut to actually be a choker. If you ditched the almost-choker and chopped off the sheer collar of your dress, leaving a white bodice separated from a long black skirt by an asymmetrical hem, this gown could have looked sleek, modern, and maybe even pretty. But instead you just look like you’re wearing a napkin.
You are a princess, not a hooker (Pinterest)
You are a princess, not a hooker (Pinterest)
Sorry to be so mean, but you kind of had it coming since you terrorized Alan from The Hangover, forever a bro, and since you told Marie Claire UK that, "The b**ches in high school were only b**ches because I was pretty." Yikes.
Anyway, in the future, please stay away from vampire makeup, orange lipstick, bouffant hairstyles, tuxedo dresses, and super public one night stands. Betty wouldn't approve.
But don’t fret, this is definitely not the worst thing anyone’s ever worn. Below is an ensemble completely inappropriate for the Princess of Genovia.
Love,
Don Draper’s Future Third Wife
