I think that when people die it is important to say the things you wouldn't have otherwise said. I don't want to carry it with me when I go, but rather leave these words here, for the people that meant so much to me. Even the ones who didn't.
To my wonderful dad, I start with you because you have always been my everything. A listening ear, the advice I sometimes didn't want to hear and my rock. A man who never once let his little girl down. If I could have you know one thing it would be that you gave me the best life a child could have had. Maybe not one filled with toys and things, but one filled with memories, adventures and love. Those things matter more to me than any material thing you could have given your children. So never worry that you never did enough, because quite honestly, you gave us the world.
To my beautiful daughter Ava. A letter is too short for all of the words I would need in order to tell you how much I love you. I would instead, need to write a novel, and I simply do not have time for that. Know that even now, and even if I had lived to be 100, it would never have been enough time with you, and the sound of your very first cry when I brought you into this world is still the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. The second most beautiful sound to me, is the sound of your laughter. You see, all of the beauty in my life is simply because of you. You Are my sunshine. I wish I could have given you so much more time.
To Daniel, the man I married, the only boy who ever caught me when I fell for him. You are a long hauler. The guy who is there through thick and thin. The guy who takes sticking to his word to a whole new level. I want you to know that with you, I got it right on the first try, and I should have just stuck with it. No one compares to you.
To my siblings, I have nothing sentimental to say. You already know how I feel about you. Life with you has been a blast, and I would never change it for anything. We are not a sentimental bunch, but we just know.. we just know. Love!
To my dearest friends: Joanna, Kelly, Purkey, Anna and so many more. Again, life has been a blast. We have had so many adventures together. I will miss that. And if I am not here I hope that you have the grandest adventures and always imagine me being there with you. Making new memories and inside jokes as we see and do some of the craziest things.
To Liam, the little boy I never got to know, except for when I carried you with me. Oh how important you would have been to me. I held you for 36 minutes, and 36 minutes will never have been long enough. I will always wonder what you would have been like. There may be a reason for all of this now. Maybe it is that I am supposed to take care of you still. I guess we shall see my little one.
To Tim the man who leads girls on, gets them pregnant and then ditches them and says you hope that we can remain friends. You are scum. You do not deserve a place in this letter, but then again, maybe you do. I simply do not want to take this hatred with me as I go. Instead I would rather leave it here with you. I wish nothing but the worst for you. You helped create a little life, and then told me that I should tell people that baby belonged to someone random that I was seeing and not to tell anyone it was yours. You told me that you had hoped I would miscarry so that the problem would take care of itself. You dated another girl the whole time you were dating me and conceiving a child with me, and then quickly moved on from girl to girl afterwards, all while I was still carrying your child. You told me you were only there for your ex through her liver transplant because it would look bad on you if you left her before that. You told me that you only work for certain well known people in Baltimore because you are hopeful that someday it benefits you. You told people things about me that were not true and you used people. Most of all though, you abandoned your unborn child. You will never know what it was like to have heard his heartbeat. You will never know what it was like to carry him. And you will never know what it was like to hold him for 36 minutes, never wanting to let him slip out of your grasp. And quite honestly, I know you will never care. His name was Liam Declan, just in case you ever wanted to know, but considering you went for months without ever even asking about how he was doing, I know that his name is of little importance to you. If I could leave anything behind for you, besides the bottled up hatred that I now give to you, it is this. You are a horrible human who needs to reevaluate his life. If a man ever did to your 18 year old daughter what you did to me, you would be angry for her. You never once showed me an ounce of compassion in the entire ordeal, and you never cared about the child you helped create. Instead, the moment I told you about him you were cold, distant, and wanted to take a step back and just be friends. That's because you are a coward. When another man has to offer to step up and be a father to your unborn son, that makes you pathetic.
To the world at large. I wish I had seen more peace and love and caring. I do not take with me the horrible things I have seen, but rather the beauty in this world. The things I have seen selfless people do for one another, the unconditional love of a child hugging their parent after being away from them all day, the unconditional love of a dog when their person returns home, friends being there for one another in times of need, and strangers helping strangers. My God, strangers helping strangers. That is the most beautiful of all. Everyone remember to take care of one another, because that is what it is all about. I promise you, as I lay here unsure of waking up tomorrow, love is what it was all about.
Chrissy
