Dearest Kitty,
I adore you. Even when you tried to steal Christmas, I was still an unwavering fan.
People who are ready to give their 'expert' opinion on matters they know nothing about are everywhere. They're not limited to armchair sports fans and well-meaning audience members after a comedy set (although in my experience, a lot of the 'advice' on my stand-up material was actually a thinly veiled pick up attempt); single people deal with dating tips from their married friends, and anyone renting has had to put up with a smug property owner telling them to 'reign in their expectations'.
However, there's something about parenting that leads to an exponential increase in people sharing their thoughts, and it happens from the moment you have a visible bump. Multiple times a day, well-meaning friends, family, perfect strangers, other mums, dads and frenemies all have opinions on everything to do with parenting. I've been told that my baby sleeps too much, I've been hated on because my baby sleeps so well, I've been judged for not breastfeeding by random health professionals. I've had dirty looks in cafes when my child made a squeak, I've had people tell me by baby is too hot, too cold, over-stimulated, bored, too big and too small for his current stroller.
Of course, now that I'm a parent I've also had to crush this overwhelming desire (maybe it's hormonal) to share how awesome our sleep routine is, and that I secretly adore bottle feeding because I feel it has given me back a small part of myself and led to my baby and his dad having an incredible bond. But I know that the mum who has struggled with breastfeeding for four months and who has finally turned a corner, only to have to start her kid in daycare, doesn't want to hear it. The dad who is up with his six-month-old multiple times a night doesn't want my opinion on how to get their baby to sleep through.
In the same way, I don't want to hear about how well their babies are grasping, rolling and laughing while mine is quite happy just lying there. I especially don't want to hear that this is somehow a factor of their superior parenting style, the clear message being that my approach is failing my son.
Please believe me: since becoming a parent, most of the crappy unsolicited parenting advice I've received has been from other parents. And frankly, we should really know better. Children are so individual; any parent of more then two can vouch for the veracity of the phrase 'same parent, totally different outcome'. The amazing sleep technique that works beautifully for some kids can be a total disaster for their sibling.
Parenting advice from people who don't actually have kids is easier to deal with because it's easier to ignore. The professional sportsperson knows the crazed fan doesn't have a clue, and I know that a childless person doesn't actually know how all-encompassing having a child can be, the hell and joy of that first six weeks with a newborn.
This parenting gig is hard slog; no-one has any clue before they embark on it, and we all bring to it a variety of skills and experiences. Some children are good at hearing 'no' and taking it on board. Other kids (like some adults) just keep pushing and pushing for a variety of reasons. Is this simply because they haven't been effectively disciplined, or it could be that they have some sort of spectrum disorder? Who knows? Not a bystander, not even a close family friend – even the poor parent might not know why all their carefully thought out and researched parenting philosophies are failing them.
So Kitty, when you're the parent of my child you're welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I'd prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready. And if you do decide to share your opinions on child-raising, please know that if my manners are working and I've had enough sleep, I'll politely nod and put you in the same category into which you put people who tell you how to do stand up. And if I'm having a bad day/week/month, you might get stabbed with a fork, because I am doing my best, but the stakes are high. I don't want to under-parent and risk my child ending up depressed, angry and unhappy; I don't want to over-parent and create an entitled monster for the world to deal with.
The recent death of a baby in my mothers' group has reminded me, most importantly, that I just want my child to live and enjoy his life, because the love I have for this tiny person is overwhelming and all-consuming.
Finally, as a representative of the friends that you've lost to parenthood: don't worry. We'll be back. And, as I discovered last night, now that my nights out are limited I take them way more seriously … and by 'more seriously', I mean I drink a lot more in a very determined way.
Much love
Angela
PS. Would love to have you round for dinner sometime – and just so you don't feel left out, we can all take turns resettling my four-month-old!
