An Open Letter to My First Love

Subject: An Open Letter to My First Love
Date: 2 Aug 2017

We bonded over our similarities. You understood where I came from and you were the same. In fact, our situations had been the same but we were different in too many ways.

I should've known that things were never going to be the same after I told you that I liked you. But the thing is, I lied. I was in love with you. The kind of love that I could see your faults but I didn't care, we could tell each other exactly what we were thinking but no matter the difference of opinion, we still offered our support. I was lying when I told you that he was my first love, because it was you. It was you and you didn't love me back. Even after I told you how I felt, you were there. You acted like nothing had ever happened. And so did I. I ignored it because I thought having you as a friend was better than losing you. But it just wasn't true. I wish I hadn't stayed around you because every time that we spoke I fell deeper and deeper in love with you. And I thought that with time you'd love me back.

But here we are now. I moved away, and you stayed. And we haven't spoken in months. Not a day goes by where I don't think of how it all ended. I regret so much of what I did. I knew that I'd be leaving you and I pushed you away. But I didn't expect you to walk away willingly. I hurt you too many times and you always came back. You always accepted me back as a friend and then I did it too many times. And you called me out for it. I lashed out at you in a moment of hurt and you fought back. I'm so sorry. I lost my best friend and I lashed out at you for that. I'll never forget how hurt I was. I was hurt by someone else and tried to hurt you. I'm so sorry.

I think about you every day. I think about apologizing every day, but I'm always too scared. I see things and think about you. Things happen to me and I miss being able to just text you and tell you all about it. There isn't a defense for what I did to you, I was in the wrong and I'm so sorry. I treated you like shit and I regret it every day. I just want to say that I'm sorry. I took out my anger on you all the time and I guess I just always expected you to forgive me because you're a so much better person than I am. I'm sorry.

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