Originally written February 27, 2016
http://valeriewetmore.tumblr.com/post/149204524286/an-open-letter-to-my-...
I guess for me the hardest part about accepting that we’re over is thinking about all the things that were left unsaid. Left unsaid by me, not out of fear but because of your refusal to listen.
You were always so reluctant to show any emotion aside from happiness; which I think is what initially attracted me to you. Every time things weren’t happy though you’d blame me. Say that “you’re always sad” “you’re so dramatic/crazy” “this isn’t a big deal” “I don’t have conversations like this with anybody else”. I’ve been told I’m a highly emotional person before so I decided to listen to you, because I loved you and I didn’t want you to stop loving me. When something you did made me mad or hurt my feelings I stopped telling you because I knew from past experience you’d shut me down, tell me “this isn’t worth fighting over”.
So things seemed good for a while, really good. We never fought and when conflict did arise it was never something sex couldn’t solve. I was happy, except not really. Small things started to bother me more than they should; you telling me not to snack, always wanting to watch ESPN, and getting annoyed when I wanted to talk on the phone at the end of a long day apart. All these things that once seemed so simple to talk out now felt like deal breakers in our relationship.
I’d go home and cry after dinner with your family because you telling me “take it easy on the chips” once meant ‘I care about you and your career as a model and we both know that isn’t a good choice’ now felt like ‘I don’t want a fat girlfriend and your career is all you’ve got going for you’. Wanting to watch ESPN went from being one of your hobbies to feeling like you just didn’t care that I might want to do something else. And every time you didn’t want to talk I felt more and more abandoned, unloved, and forgotten.
I needed to tell you. You loved me, and no one wants to make someone they love feel like that. So I started to speak up. “When you tell me to quit snacking, it makes me feel like what I look like is the most important thing to you.” Your response: “Babe, you’re crazy! It’s just stupid when you pass the time by eating.” He’s right, I thought, I’m being crazy! He loves me and doesn’t want to see me doing harm to myself. I need to stop being so stupid. I did it! I told you how I felt and it didn’t turn into a fight. But then why was I feeling down on myself and why did you still continue to make comments about how much or what I was eating?
I quickly realized nothing was being resolved. I was getting angry over little things because it was days, weeks, months of built up anger, sadness, and hurt that was coming out all at once due to us never facing the underlying problem.
My self esteem was taking a hit too. I had been called crazy, dramatic, a bitch, too emotional, and stupid too many times. The apologies “I’m sorry for calling you crazy but that shit is crazy” weren’t making me feel better.
Time passed and we ended up breaking up for other reasons. On and off long distance is hard. Our relationship was bad timing because our paths were just too different. Here I am 6 months later and the hurt and sadness is gone. I’m just pissed.
Who do you think you are telling me there’s no chance at us getting back together while you’re still in college but then introducing me as your girlfriend to everyone on New Year's Eve!? You think it’s okay to tell me I need to move on but then expecting me to visit you and spend the night when I do!? I’m not a toy you can put on the shelf then take down when you’re ready to play.
You made me feel like shit for years telling me “we’re together I just don’t want a girlfriend in college”. When you did make me your girlfriend finally it came with unspoken rules like we talk when you want to talk and if I have a problem I will be ignored and/or insulted.
The one thing that makes me more pissed than anything is that I can’t tell you any of this because your response would be “sorry I was just so shit all of the time and never did anything right”. Trust me, I’ve heard that from you more than a few times.
I’ve learned a lot through our breakup but most importantly I’ve learned we are not meant to be together. So one last thing- you’re incapability to expresses any of your emotions is pathetic and you’re crazy for letting me go.
