An open letter to my boys.
To my eldest. You were my firstborn, the first time I experienced true love and the first time I felt real fear. I loved you from the moment I found out I was carrying you, and When I pushed you into this world that love multiplied to an amount I could never had imagined before.
I swore to love you unconditionally, to give you the world and to never let any body hurt you. I'd like to be able to say I've kept those promises but you and I both know I've failed on the latter two. I do however love you unconditionally , I hope you see that. I was young when I had you, naive, and definitely immature. You helped me grow in ways I didn't know were possible. You challenged me and pushed me and highlighted my limits, you also taught me there was no limit to a mothers love for her child. Things aren't perfect, they never have been but kid I am so bloody proud of the young man you've become it's unbelievable. Despite having your own challenges to overcome you've grown to be a kind, loving , generous and all round good young man. We still argue, we still butt heads, you still hate me on occasion and there are days where I don't like you very much either! But as my own mother once told me, if your children like you all of the time then you aren't parenting right.
I hope you know that i will continue to love and support you for as long as I live. I hope you know I live daily with the regret that I failed you often, putting others before you, not protecting you when I could have / should have, letting you witness things you shouldn't and not giving you the world, but I also hope you know that I tried my best, and will continue to do so. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes and I hope you bare with my whilst I do so. We may not have the world kid, but we've got each other right? Paint the world in all your many colours boy, I'll be beside you whilst you do so.
To the asbo. My light, the boy with the biggest heart and the biggest smile (as well as the biggest appetite ;)
You bring me joy daily. Your energy and personality light up the darkest of days and brighten every room you enter. Your laugh is contagious and your generosity and selflessness never fails to amaze me.
It's not always easy for you, the middle boy, stuck in the shadow of your elder brother and seemingly pushed aside for the baby but kiddo, you know you will always be my baby. You entered my life in a good phase, you were a trophy of a happy time and Yet you brought even more happiness with your arrival.
With your blue eyes and blonde hair you stole my heart from the off and still hold it in your hands. You've an adult head on little shoulders. And that's not always a good thing, and sometimes it makes me sad. My own failures with you have meant you needed to grow up before your time. You never let it show but you're a sensitive soul and it worries me how you keep your emotions held in to protect others. I love that you refuse too see the bad in people and that you don't judge, but I worry that sometimes you hurt and I don't know about it. You know it's ok to not be ok right? You don't have to be strong for me, that's my job, to be strong for you. I know it not always the case. I know there's been nights where u heard my crying and you've came to comfort me. I know there's been times when you wanted to talk to me but you've seen Im maybe having a bad day so put your own feelings aside and then tried to make me laugh. And baby boy, I'm sorry for those times. I'm sorry that things didn't work out how you wanted them to, but I hope despite all that, that you know how much I love you. I hope as you grow older you remember all the things we've done, and have more happy memories than bad memories to share with your kids, because of the way you are with your little brother is anything to go buy, you're going to make an amazing daddy. Don't grow up too fast though ok ?, mummy still needs her little boy for now.
To my baby, my rainbow, my newborn. I say newborn even though you're now 9 months but you will always be the newest born, always be the baby, and with your brothers looking out for you and protecting you the way they do now, you're going to be a very lucky boy.
You came along unexpectedly yet when I probably needed you the most. You gave me purpose again, my rainbow after the storm, a precious , beautiful, happy little boy, with his own special guardian angel or two.
You make me laugh daily . Even with being so tiny you already have such a huge personality. You're handsome and clever and that smile is going to get you far in life.
I was hoping to get it right this time, to have put the errors, mistakes and lessons from the past 17 years to good use and be the 'perfect' mum. But it never works out that way . third time round isn't necessarily easier, different yet again, but not easier. I worry more, doubt myself more, question everything. I try Every day I try to prevent the same kind of things happening but not everything is in my hands and the fear of failing you aswell is foremost in my mind. I hope when you're older and reading this that you almost don't understand because my fears were unwarranted. I hope I find the strength and courage to push forward and give you the life you and your brothers deserve. I hope that you remain happy and always feel loved. That you learn right from wrong and find your own path in this world, one that's bright and takes you places. You're changing everyday, and although I'm excited to reach all the milestones with you, I also long for you to stay just the baby you are, innocent, oblivious to the scary world outside, and still wanting and needing your mummy. Unfortunately It's impossible but I hope that whatever happens , you always find comfort in mummy's arms .
There's so much More I want to say to you all but I'm not sure how to word it for now so I'll leave it here.
If I've learnt anything in my life so far it's that nothing is ever for certain, but you can 100 percent rely on my love for you kids.
People will enter and leave your lives, but I will remain by your side until my times up. You may not have all the material things you'd like but you have me, and you have each other. Together we'll rule the world ;)
I love you. Like all the stars in the sky, and all the grains of sand at the bottom of the sea.... and remember, the angels watch over you while you're sleeping.