An Open Letter to Denv.her

Subject: An Open Letter to Denv.her
Date: 12 Apr 2017

I want to be clear about the reason that I am writing this little letter. This is not the opinion of one of the Bertha's or Gertrude's or other blasphemous wrongdoers you have mentioned in your blog. I'm writing this letter for two reasons. First, I think an example of decent writing is something you need in your life and second, I need to break something down for you. I'm going to paint you a picture here, so use your imagination and put yourself into my shoes: I wake up in the morning ready to get my day off to a great start. I grab my Cinnamon Toast Crunch, grab a milk carton out of the fridge, and pour away. That's when I realize...the milk is bad. Morning ruined, total catastrophe, I'm sure you can relate. Ironically, this exact feeling of dissatisfaction and disgust is how I feel immediately after reading your blog as well. Now I know what you're thinking at this point because you eloquently wrote it in a rant of yours: if I don't like what I'm reading then why am I reading it? I guess initially I was trying to get a handle on what your point could actually be. Like, for the sake of continuing education, I was curious as to what kind of epiphany someone should expect after fighting with and publicly ostracizing other women? How can you take 3+ friendships that were publicly burned to the ground and salvage something worth passing onto others? But after way too many editions of the aptly named "vent sesh" I have had an epiphany of my own (I picked up the slack since your epiphany is nowhere to be found): you need validation. My guess is you're losing sleep over losing friends and you want a few randoms to tell you it's totes not a big deal because they know a Bertha/Gertrude of their own and obvi those cows deserve internet shaming or worse (excuse my run-on sentence, I was in the zone)! But for the sake of writers and readers everywhere I feel obligated to tell you something (hopefully you're sitting down because I think this will be a complete shock to you): your blog is lame and literally (and I can't even stress how literally I mean literally) NO ONE WANTS YOUR "ADVICE". I don't want to be rude here, but I do want to be honest - I took a survey of women who don't know you or your ex-friends and, shockingly, 100% of them showed 0% interest in your opinion on both friendship and pho. Now you just can't argue with data, my friend. I'm guessing you didn't expect to hear that because you seem to write at some sort of desk that's concealed deep down in a pit of self righteousness. I imagine this is a virtually endless pit, like a bottomless mimosa (I can tell you like analogies so I'm trying to speak your language). Totes.
And despite the fact that you continuously report the views on your blog and cling to that number as rationale for your perceived popularity, when it comes down to it, you're not influencing anyone in a positive or meaningful way. I can't quite wrap my head around what you're attempting to pull off, but in case you are confused (and I think you are), this isn't the Real Housewives of Denver. You're not getting paid to debase the reciprocity of functional friendships. So why? I guess you're under the impression that your blatant honesty about undergoing plastic surgery has elevated you into a category of martyrdom and because of this, the elliptical stream of drama you create is something other women should learn from? The deep and underlying problem here, though, is that YOU don't even learn from you. Otherwise you wouldn't have SO MANY incidents where your "best friends" betray you and turn into sh*t talking monsters. Seriously, as a woman who knows many women, what I'm telling you is anecdotal (aka, for realsies). You're not relatable and you're the last person I would take advice from. Your target audience should be a high school girl with extra dramatic friends, but I can tell by your super hip event section that's not what you're going for. And even if you were, Mean Girls has already been done and the Lindsey Lohan/Rachel McAdams duo are out shining you by a long shot in lessons on women's conflict. And they got paid. And it was fiction. And in their story there was an introduction, a conflict, a resolution and all the characters walked away having learned something. AND someone got hit by a bus and it was hilariously karmic. I struggle to see where, in even one blog post, women can learn anything other than how to incorporate funny memes into a poorly written blog about mindless bullsh*t. And also, no one is getting hit by a bus in hilarious fashion so -10 more points. To really bring my message home, here are my objective issues with your blog in no particular order: 1) You're so self righteous that you wrote an entire blog to pass your convictions off as lessons to others. 2) You're masquerading your shortcomings in multiple friendships as a standard that others should hold their friends to. 3) You're manifesting a hostile environment where you first cut people out and then mock them as a way to enrich your life. 4) You take no accountability for your role or even contemplate if you have a role in the demise of multiple friendships and act like that's normal. Its seriously not normal. It is, however, pathetic, petty and contradictory to the very definition of being anyone's friend. The bottom line is that you need some new content and a new perspective. And no, I'm not talking about a trip to Bora Bora. I am talking about learning from your encounters and growing as a person, as opposed to analyzing only the evidence that reinforces your preconceived notions. Or if that's impossible, at the very least fire up some episodes of Grammar Girl before you get near another computer. Either way, when you sit down with your next big idea and can't wait to burn out the L-O-L keys on your keyboard, just remember: no matter how far up you climb on your little social ladder, the grown a$$ women of the world are looking down and waving from the high road. With bottomless mimosas (and no, you can't sit with us).

And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell.

Xoxo
Gossip Girl

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