An Open Honest Letter to He Who Turned on Me

This is an open, honest letter to the man I loved after so many years of not knowing if I'd ever find it again. I knew from the moment we locked eyes at the gas station, that we'd start something we both could not walk away from. As I sit here years later pandering my life's next chapters, I wonder where it all went wrong. You see we couldn't be more opposite, but I was always willing to take part in the things you liked. Of course it was just lust for both of us but at opposite times I know we both thought of what it'd be like to love each other. Call me a hopeless romantic but anyway I could get you to come over, made my day... Every.... Single.... Time.... The thing about lust is, it turns into something unmistakable and will either get hotter or burn out like a moth to a flame. My desire for you stemmed from how you made me feel, ALIVE... How spontaneous you were, always kept me holding on to the next time, even when you were preoccupied for months on end with another woman. I, however, was optimistic. I'd text you randomly, months later, and it'd like we'd start right where we left off. My friends would tell me not to dwell on someone who was indeed a "fly by nighter" but me being my stubborn self never listened. Until a year ago. How is it that I was everything you wanted in desire and companionship but because you thought our two "mentalities" were so different, that we could never make it work. I began to realize that the hopeless way I yearned for you would get you to be just as optimistic and give us a try after four years of, on again, off again. The last time we touched and you still were set in this "mentalities" persona, I knew the moth was headed for the flame. A week later, I never guessed I would move on at the flick of a wrist but I had, only to find out I was with child and being it such a short time span I honestly didn't know whom could be the father but all in all I wanted it to work with the new guy. Sure the lust was there and quite heavy but the connection wasn't as strong as it was with you and I. You can never judge a book by its cover until you read it and in desperation I lashed out at him, which was all deserving and he called it off. Which was fine because my worth was not worth continuing to degrade myself to someone who could give so little thought, as to how their actions affect others. Here I am, progressing through my first trimester, which I might add was the worst experience EVER and out of the blue, you call me up, to tell me you know about the baby. For two weeks you were set in figuring this out, until I wouldn't tell you the details about myself and the ex. To which you took it upon yourself to find him and betray my trust in you. Now you know all the intimate details of he and I and all of a sudden turn your back on me, like I was just some piece of trash to be thrown away. I've been nothing but honest with you and all you do is seek out a person who would gladly through me under the bus. Well that bus ran me over until I was dead inside. I never faulted you for living your life when I wasn't in it, no matter the situation, what gave you the right to do so to me? Not once did I question the women in your life, but for your own self satisfaction, to make yourself feel better about your hate for me, you do this.... I understand you're protecting your heart but why must you treat me so cold. I can't even say a simple, "Hi," without you threatening to get a restraining order against me. You can't begin to fathom the sleepless nights I've spent stressed out wanting to just die because, out of everyone, you were the one person I could talk to but because of those four off again, on again years I only gave myself to you, and you gave yourself to countless others, I'm the one at fault because I let another man love me the way you couldn't? In realizing that I would be doing this alone, I gave up on the idea of being with anyone because of both of you, but mainly you. I've gone to church, and I have found myself trusting of Him again. I just hope as your child gets older, that they are not faced with my predicament, and although I am not the first and surely won't be the last, I hope this is an eye opener for you to see that people make mistakes, it's the one's who own up to them that can live peacefully in His presence. And also I hope your child doesn't treat someone or get treated how you treated me. All these months that have gone by, I am less pained by living for me. You can't get back all the doctor's appointments, sonogram visits, or even seeing or feeling the baby kick inside my stomach. But, the biggest and most greatest thing I can do for my well-being is to truly, and honestly forgive you. Even if you can't forgive me, for trying to move on from loving you too long. Never lose sight of who you are because they can't see how great you are. Always be true to you and remember people make mistakes, all the time. What you can do is not repeat them. ALWAYS love yourself first.