Even though we have only become better friends for a little over a month now, you will never know how much you mean to me, and you will never know just how much you have impacted me.
I am someone who believes that every person that I cross paths with in life has something to teach me. My family and my best friend taught me that life is fragile; treasure every moment you have with someone as if it was the last. Another friend showed me that you must always offer a hand to someone in need even if they push you away.
What did you teach me, you ask? Well, you actually haven't taught me anything. You and I are still young adults, so I can't expect a life lesson out of you. Not yet.
You did, however, remind me of what it is like to like someone. The excitement of talking about said person. Waking up to send a "good morning" everyday to let them know that they are the first person in your mind. Discovering details about each other. Waiting every night for a "goodnight." Anticipating the next time you will see each other, and the butterflies that suddenly come alive when you look into their eyes.
I'd be lying if I said that I wished the last statement didn't apply to me.
When I first found out that you liked her, I was angry. But I knew I couldn't do anything. What kind of friend would I be if I actively sought to compromise your happiness? That would be very selfish of me; incredibly selfish.
I was jealous; what did she have that I didn't? Then I found out that she, one of my closest friends, was starting to fall for you. That was a bittersweet pill to swallow.
By this point, a psychological hurricane was born in my mind. I began to pick at my character more than I ever had. I thought that I was useless, an idiot. I felt as if there was a smoke in my mind that wouldn't disperse and just became increasingly dense. This destroyed the emotional dam that I had built up for so many months. The water was all of the pressures and burdens that I brought up on my own and had to endure because of something that happened over twenty-five years ago.
So when you asked me who else was there when I heard about how much you liked my friend, I really didn't know. I was out of my mind at that time. It was as if my vision was cut out, preventing me from navigating myself out of a dark room.
But then you asked me what was wrong and if I wanted to talk.
So I took that offer because this would be the best opportunity I could ever have to I get to you.
We talked for about two hours. All of my burdens crashed though the dam and came over you like a wave. I knew you wouldn't be able to handle the waters, but I still chose to take your hand and pull you in. That's probably the most selfish thing I've ever done with you.
You were all mine for about an hour. Your thoughts were focused on me. At least, that's what I like to tell myself. When you began to speak your feelings, I encouraged you to purge all of your thoughts. And all you could talk about was her-- one of my closest friends. You let go of my hand by then and ran off on your own while I trailed behind not too far away. I smiled and offered my advice to your predicament involving her. I had thought that this conversation made me feel better because I knew we had gotten closer as friends.
But it didn't.
The following day was hard. The smoke in my mind was as dense as ever. I couldn't think. I couldn't eat. I pushed everyone away from me. You would never know that. I came to accept the reality later that day, and smiled. As long as you're happy with her, I am satisfied with being your friend. I'll always watch out, care, and selflessly help you; you would never realize that.
I thought that I'd let go of whatever feelings I had for you until I had a dream where my friend rejected you and went for another guy. In that dream, I recall you beginning to cry upon discovering her true feelings, and you wistfully gave the gift that you would have given her for the occasion.
Where was I? I was standing inside the house next to the door when that happened. You were within a few meters of me. After she took your gift, I enveloped you in my arms. I hugged you tight. I let you cry on my shoulders. I wanted you to know that I was there for you; that I always would be. I'd do anything for you, but in reality, you would never understand the love I have for you.
But now I must smile and offer my best wishes to the both of you-- my dear friend, and you who I deeply care for so much.
I will be inscribed in the past; simply an "ultimate, responsible friend" to you.