A father is a man in relation to his natural child or children, according to the dictionary. To me, that’s all you are. You are something who created me with my mother and nothing else. You are not a friend, an idol, hero, anything but the man who created me. Maybe when I was a kid, you were this strong man I looked up to but not anymore. Kid me loved you, cherished every little moment we had together, thought you were the greatest man alive. That’s why I hate the child I used to be. I didn’t see you for the man you are. I don’t know why it took me so long to see the selfish, unpleasant, shameless man I have to call my dad. You are nothing but a small, arrogant, piece of shit man who would rather do anything for himself than make his kids happy. The four kids you abandoned emotionally for the poison inside of a beer can. The kids who had to watch you scream at their mother and get arrested every night just so you can drown yourself pity. Even when I was a child, you were a burden on my life. Your life was all about alcohol and your kids didn’t matter to you. Not even your wife, the mother of your children, could come before the poison you let control your life. You made my childhood, the time that made me the person I am today, an absolute disaster. Between the fighting, throwing of things and hitting my mother, you tried to act like a good father. You kicked my mom out to show your dominance and tore our family apart. For years, me and my siblings cried ourselves to sleep, listening to you yell at our mother. You blamed everything on her when, in reality, everything was your fault. When I was a kid, you showed me that trusting someone who drinks is a stupid idea. I was young and you were supposed to take care of me and my siblings. Instead, you drank and left all the work to my mom. You were the one who had kids, you were supposed to raise us and set a good example. But you didn’t, I will never know why you drank or if it was because you didn’t want the kids you had. I had night terrors every night and would wake up screaming and crying because of the fighting that occurred because of you. Not once have I heard an apology for you fucking up me and my siblings. You never saw the affect your alcoholism had on your children. You didn’t care what happened to us or if who you were would have a negative effect on us. I was ashamed of who I called my father and never wanted my friends to see you. Even after you got sober, the trauma didn’t end. You continued being a parasite to our family and you sucked the happiness out of me. When I was in middle school, you moved me away from everyone I knew for this woman. Even after she talked shit about your kids and most of your family, you stayed with her. I even started cutting because I was so depressed living with her and when you found out, you did nothing to help me. We used to be so close but you let that bond go for a woman you claim to love. You pretend to be a wonderful father and everyone believes in this mask you hid behind. You tricked everybody in your life to see the amazing, caring father you turned into but, you never changed. You are still the horrible man I grew up with. No one else can see it. You won’t even accept my own sexuality just because you don’t like gays. For 18 years, I lived under your roof and never tried to get out. I lived by your rules, your words and never questioned them. I tried to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student and anything else you expected me to be. My sole purpose in life was to make you proud no matter what it took. I did everything with you in mind and never did anything I wanted if it would upset you. I knew what you wanted out of me and was set to do anything for it to happen. My life was planned out in front of me with one thing in mind, you. I knew I had to get a good job, make good money so you would be happy. I didn’t think about my own happiness, I would always say “this is for my dad”. After years of being depressed and wanting to end the life you gave me, I found a way out of the castle I was locked in. I made the grown-up decision to move out and finally be happy. I sacrificed my father’s approval so I wouldn’t end up dead before it was my time. I left everyone I knew just so a smile would appear on my face once again. For once, I did something for myself and not the selfish man I was once so eager to impress. The day I told you I was moving out was the last time I would have heard from you until you were forced to say something to me. My own father didn’t congratulate me on graduating high school or being accepted into college. You acted like I was a piece of trash on the side of the road. When you finally did say something to me, it was nothing but a simple hello. No calls, texts, nothing from the man who raised me. I will never understand why you got so mad after I told you my plans. For months, you put everything before me and never tried to get in my life. If it wasn’t for the routes I had to walk around the house, I’m sure we would have never spoke. Work, wife, hobbies and friends always came before the children you created. The only time you did speak to me was when it was about the future you tried to create for me. You wanted me to become successful for your own good, everything was about you. You drew this line in the sand that separated me from the rest of your life and the new family you started with your new wife. Her kids came before me in every way possible, I was pushed aside whenever they came into the room like I didn’t matter to you. I was nothing compared to the kids you didn’t have anything to do with until just a few years ago. I will never make the same mistakes you did when I create my own family one day and they will never know why I hate you and possibly won’t even know who you are. I can’t believe I ever looked up to you and I am so glad I got your negativity out of my life. You really are pathetic and a horrible excuse for a father.
To my father
Subject: To my father
From: Your daughter, Emily Sneed
Date: 25 Sep 2017