Long Long Open Letter: Dear Human Resources at…

Subject: Long Long Open Letter: Dear Human Resources at…
Date: 4 May 2017

EIT Digital, Infor, wipro, R/GA, Ericsson, Bombardier, Zendesk, Fleetcor, HERE, Saleforce, CA Technologies, Sotalex, SDL, Arcadis, IP Soft, Zeta, Viacom, McKinsey&Company, Stepstone, BCG Digital Ventures

…and the dozens of other companies; start-up, SME and corporate who follow such practices.

Several months in on the job hunting, one thing I can say for sure, YOUR HR PROCESS IS A DISGRACE. Here’s my experience…

From all the evidence emails could be more truthful, perhaps something along the lines: “Thank you for your application. Our dim-witted, somewhat inexperienced HR personnel will *possibly, maybe* review your profile beyond a keyword match and when we don’t recognize a market leading company that we’ve heard of — you won’t be hearing from us.”

I’ve officially succumbed to the notion that dealing with HR is a lost cause. The raison d’être of the-so-called-modern HR organizations appears to just promote a philosophical stance of “How to excel in nonchalance & frustrate beyond comparison”.

Your anonymous channel, the job-submission vortex, that black-hole that you call the ‘Application Process’ whereby the only thing one can expect is an inhuman standardized auto-response, a communication to the masses, peddling stool statements of scratch but probably never sniff!

Human Resources is an ineptitude, a forerunner in the corporate equivalent of the Darwin Awards. I’ve concluded all my efforts in applications are akin to flogging a dead horse in acknowledgement of the replies, or lack thereof. Only automated emails of a sunny structured disposition touting phrases of positive encouragement are gracing my inbox. (Further made comical when said responses are signed from “your Talent & Culture department”)

“Glad that you are interested in a career here”

“We wish you the very best in your endeavor to succeed”

“Thank you for your trust and interest”

Seriously, if you were really “glad” you’d want to keep me in the loop with the status of my application. If you had any modicum of interest in my ‘success’ you’d want to keep me apprised of my application review with some tangible feedback. Thanking me for my “trust and interest“ but never mailing me again simply translates ‘this was never a two way street sister!’

Let’s also not forget to mention the blackboard-scraping assurances like,

“We will review your application and will contact you if there is a good match…”

Basically insinuating that I’m illiterate and probably only just decided to roll with possibility of this position as I had nothing better to do with my time. Or how about,

“If your qualifications match our needs…”

That’s right, I’m the muppet! The job skills advertised, the ones that I applied for, are actually the polar difference to what you are looking for.

Then there are those of you that just don’t respond. Not even acknowledge a submission. ‘You’ve entered the HR-dead-zone!’ This can be decoded into tapestry of heavy weight adjectives like ‘monumental, gargantuan, colossal, mammoth’ followed by ‘fucking waste of fucking time’. Although in fairness, in some of your cases, it’s possible your HR infrastructure is so last century you’re probably oblivious that you’re sending applications to a now-defunct email address.

I of course could not go on without giving a special mention to those incredulous individuals in cases where there’s been a fraction of movement. Those who then turn around and just choose to flat-out ignore you. Did I miss the majestical platform on which you reside, where you were just too busy saving the planet? Remind me, what’s your job title again?

It is nonchalance of the highest order, this process from your so called ‘professional recruitment organization’. They shall henceforth be deemed in my books as a ‘nefarious harem of killjoys’ whose possible competences are crushed in a landslide of dehumanizing in-transparency that one endures going through this hack-job of a procedure.

I have a question — “tough shit!”, I’m looking for a follow up — “tough shit!”, I’d appreciate some additional feedback — “tough shit!”, I’d like to know fucking anything — “tough shit!”

Welcome to the machine!

I’ve surmised that a prerequisite for HR staff is to have a résumé that no devil rejects. It’s otherwise unfathomable to me, this enormous sector of employed people are so emotionally blind, circumnavigating any crumb of human decency in what has been for me a demoralizing expedition.

You see I spend countless hours applying for a job; checking through the leadership of the company, the possibly hiring manager, doing the research on the sector, rifling through employee feedback and previous news worthy mentions. I question my alignment with the company mission, I agree within reasonable terms the values, decide if I’m interested working in this field and if I’m interested in the prospect of the job. I will definitely see potential exploits worth pursuing. Not to mention the word match check mirroring the requested ‘skills’, ‘background’, ‘qualifications’, ‘aptitude’ as requested in your specification.

In general I then have to endure your numb inducing out of date job application platform, invariably a clunky, laborious non-user friendly, field laden tool which has questionable functionality in the various modern browsers and as yet, has not deemed ‘mobile’ as a viable channel. Worse still, my personal data is now dispersed indiscriminately into, at this point an unknown number, of questionably secure database systems.

And lastly I double, double check, I review my résumé, I make sure it highlights those best eliminates specific for the his role and follow this with a bespoke cover letter aimed to grab your attention.

AND THEN, YOU CAN’T EVEN BE ARSED TO TELL ME I DIDN’T GET THE FUCKING JOB!!!

Petulant whinging you might say, but I’ve applied for 45+ roles in recent months. It’s bad enough feeling diminished on apparently having descended into the realms of unemployable after years of solid achievements, but when your HR has the morals of a failed animal experiment it’s time to speak out about sweeping rejection under an integrity carpet.

I’ll hint towards a small apologetic notion, I understand in between all this half-wittery you probably also getting time wasting applications. But sorry, ‘NO’ is a two letter word and most people on the planet can master it!

The constant hammering of ambiguity in the process and from your people have dwindled my resolve and left me with nothing but the whiff of fertilized land of what must be your company culture.

So this is basically a FUCK YOU VERY MUCH from me and the 100s of other souls, who also apply with concerted consideration. Those with whom you also chip away at on a daily basis because, at the very very bare minimal least, you can’t set up a fucking auto-informative-rejection. “Thanks for your application, the job is now closed, sadly you didn’t get it this time around.”
N.B & if you think you ‘Recruitment Consultancies’ are any better — you’re not!

-

Yours anonymously

As my chances are apparently bad enough already!

P.S. If any company exists that has a human addition “please contact X if you’re interested in some feedback”, pray tell let me know, I’ll apply immediately!

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