A letter to the man I let go

Subject: A letter to the man I let go
From: Filippa
Date: 12 Dec 2017

When I met you, I thought I was in control. I ignored the pain I had endured and I thought I had recovered. When I met you, I was so deeply in love I wanted you to know the truth about everything. And so I did. I threw in a white lie then and again, but you usually knew and you made me tell the truth. I had never been so honest with anyone in my life. I have always had a bad habit of lying. I used to lie when it didn't even serve a purpose, I used to lie to build an image of myself that wasn't true. I was so afraid of what people would think or say.
You were the opposite, you didn't care about what other people thought of you.

We had a rough relationship. My mental health, that was more serious than I could've ever known, made you work extra. And it made you extra tired. My mental issues and your mental issues. You had a past too, you used to tell me it was tough, but never any clear details. I knew you needed help, but you didn't agree. You wrote me a message that ended with the line "It makes me want to spend the rest of my fucking life with you" and you wrote me a poem, you had so much faith in us and you tried so hard. We even planned a future together.

The good times were amazing and overshadowed the bad times, but the bad times were strong and painful. We had that kind of relationship that was 50% good and 50% bad, which just wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to keep us moving forward.

One normal day you came to the conclusion that it was best if we parted ways. I didn't agree, but I couldn't force you to stay. We ended it on good notes and you said there could be a chance for us in the future. I took that last thing to heart and I wanted to get better for you to take me back.
However I couldn't wait longer than a couple of hours until I made up a lie I thought would make you take me back. Your friend got involved and a couple of my friends and it all went downhill.

I made you worried and upset and I kept lying to cover the big lie. At the end of the day I couldn't stand what I had done and I had to confess the lie, I confessed to everyone involved and some got hurt. I was ashamed and I am still not proud of it to this day. It eliminated the possibilities of us ever falling back in love, but worse than that it hurt people. You, on the other hand understood that I was ill and you took it in a calm way.

This was an impulse of me being hurt and desperate and you understood that, I hope you understand how sorry I am for this too.

You have taught me great lessons, but this was perhaps the best one. You helped me reflect upon myself and realize that my past really is unfinished. It will never be us again, but I thank you for all the memories and everything you have given. I thank you for all the money spent, all the tears shed, all the love given. I thank you for having faith in me and I thank you for showing me what I really am.

I will miss you and I will always love you.


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