"Life has been easy; being a human being is not." Those are the words my drunk older brother told me as he was sitting on the floor in the corner of our bedroom as he contemplated suicide. We still share the same room. Though it is our home, he is not interested in sharing any of his grief with any one else in the family. I am the only exception from time to time. Sometimes it scared me, because I knew not of challenges of adulthood, nor understood how I could help. I was only fifteen and my only motivation for coming home from school was playing video games in that same bedroom--indulging in my vices that surely still creep in every now and then--the same vices that would evolve for me just as it did for Walther, my older brother.
Before this, I came to realize that all he needed was someone to talk to. I only had to listen. Listening to him, I had my defenses up and with good reason. Long before this incident, I acted a fool and was slapped for interrupting a tense conversation between him and his friend with whom they argued over a prostitute with. This time, however, it was a different situation.
He was not in the corner of the bedroom, but instead sitting on the sofa--head in his palms and his once straight posture defeated. (this was before him being in the corner of the bedroom) Eventually, he made peace with himself with whatever he was going through and decided to get on the right track. I suggested he go to school. he did and it brought him happiness for a time. In fact, he had a good job.
This is where that moment where people realize they screwed up occurred. The very same vice he thought he eliminated creeped up on him. He got a DUI and there goes that nice job. Then he went to the corner of the room contemplating suicide; Thank God he is okay now and very much happy.
I remember this only because, as an adult myself, am going through the same situation. It was not alcohol that brought me to it, but instead laziness and procrastination along with dishonesty. Since I am going through this adult routine, will I, too, have a temporary happiness just as Walther did?
I read through Reddit's "get it Off my Chest" forums with the hope Thai I would feel better by comparing my life with others (bad mistake) and thought, "jeez these people are going through much worse." One of them hit me the most. A writer told her story of her abusive boyfriend and their "analversary." her story compelled me to be a better partner to my own significant other, but just as all cycles going round, I too, became abusive to a point. I began to believe that everyone in their lifetime encounters something everyone in the world already has: being human.
I must admit it. I have no self-control. I keep believing a world of pleasures will bring me happiness. I am stupid for believing it. I am stupid for letting go of myself. I am stupid for allowing my anger and sadness to overwhelm my line of sight. I allow for these things to happen and invade my life. Sure, some of them may help me see things I would not otherwise, but there is a harm to this. My own worst enemy is myself. Yet, it is easier said than done when confronting what makes my life crap. It is so much easier to just drink and forget, but it brings unhappiness. It is so much easier to get behind a computer screen than abstain with your partner. it is easier to lash out than to think my emotions and thoughts through.
It is easier to think I can do it myself, when every one needs helps.
The only problems I face in the world, is not the world itself (I can live with the world) Instead, it is I corrupting myself.
So far I have been getting better at controlling myself. I have been more open with my feelings and find it easy to accept others and myself.
I have internal goals in life; develop a sense of awareness both internal and external; develop healthy relationships and treat people with the upmost respect; maintain my mind sharp and my body healthy; hold dear to the values of Jesus. These are not material goals, but they hold more weight than anything professional or pleasurable On the contrary, I think holding on to the inside goals results in everything else on the outside.
Life is hard. But being strong is what gets people through it. I am still young and have yet to come across the harsher trials of tomorrow. However, I learned that going through life while corrupting it is not living at all.
