It hurts more than I thought it would. I tried to distance myself from you in case this happened. Or at least to not let myself fully fall in love with you. Honestly, I thought this might happen and I basically knew it would. But I let it happen, so I guess it's my fault.
Lucky girl, she is. I hope you get her and get your happy ending. (And it'll be the happy ending for her too, which will make you happier too.)
You told me I haven't loved like you do. Maybe you're right; maybe I never loved. But I think I did. I've poured my heart out in loving somebody, and although I don't love, hate, or miss him at all anymore, I miss being in love. I remember how it actually physically hurt to see him worried about something, even though I knew it was for another girl. I remember how happy I was when something actually worked out. I was beyond happy.
And I remember how empty my world was when I was finally out of love. How it filled with hate. And then with more blankness.
Believe me, I've been there. I tried to fill the nothingness and I failed miserably, because I felt like I didn't love with my full heart. In the process I found two of the best people I could ever ask for as friends. Yes, I was in relationships, but it was barren -- I don't know how it was for the guys, but for me, the foundation was mainly loneliness, not love.
I don't know. I know you didn't exactly play me. You didn't mean it anyway. But really, you don't know how much every single compliment you gave meant to me. And the emotional damage it's causing right now. I think it's just that you're a nice person who says nice stuff. And I'm not used to nice people, so I thought it really meant something.
But I feel played. I played myself. I jumped to conclusions. I let myself run free. I let myself imagine. I imagine all the time and I fall into its dangers all the time, but this time, the damage is just a bit bigger and harsher.
My friends say you'll regret losing me. You won't. You won't ever know I liked you so much for the past month. Hopefully you'll get your girl and that'll make you happier than I could've ever done. My friends say that at one point, you'll see how amazing I could've been for you. You won't. I wouldn't have been able to survive it. I would've been the girlfriend constantly scared about the end. I would've been the needy, whiny girlfriend. I would've been clingy and a bit annoying. It would've been too overwhelming for me, just like how it did before.
You know what? I'm going to cry all I want right now. And I'll feel better.
Don't feel bad. I'll be ok soon. I might be a little sad but I'll get fine soon. I was really genuinely happy about my lil crush for the past month, so I guess that's all that really matters.
