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Date: 4 Feb 2017

I bought two books today from Barnes and Nobles today. "The Power of The Actor" by Ivana Chubbuck and "The Acting Bible" written by Michael Powell.

Acting. Music. Entertaining. Something I've wanted to study since I was a child. I've always felt inadequate in things I've actually wanted to do (theatre, music theatre, drama) because I wasn't encouraged and told I can do great in those things like I was trained to be great in other things (football, track), I used to yearn so much for that validation and approval that I was going to be a great entertainer. In a perfect world my parents would've enrolled me into acting classes and vocal lessons as a child, and I would go to a performance arts high school then go off to college and study drama/music and become what I've always wanted to be. I was seven years old when I asked for a drum set and a microphone from "Maxway". About 13 when I asked for a "Digital Blue" Camera for Christmas. But the disease to please was equally yoked with my desire to be what I felt I was born to be. It's no longer prevalent like it was as a young boy. As a young boy, I focused on making my masculinity apparent and flaunting every waking moment and not doing things that would've gotten me called a Faggot. Or soft (like when I asked to vocal lessons, and My piano classes became a "sausage fest") Men don't sing, they don't dance. Things I were called in my own home before I was called anywhere else. It had even gotten to the point where in my mind men didn't laugh, they don't cry. They aren't happy, they don't smile. They don't feel anything. And that was my fascade my entire adolescence, I still battle with it as an adult sometimes. I started barricading myself in my room around 12 years old. It became a safe place for me, where I didn't need to on guard of my feelings, because in my adolescent mind it made sense that no one could say hurtful things if they never see or hear me. I felt like I hated myself for not taking a stand for who I wanted to be, say the things I wanted to say, and do the things I wanted to do. Loving music and wanting to sing and not even singing out loud around the house but to myself quietly, or when no one was home was the only time I would sing and practice freely. And dying slowly because I always felt if I went after it I would be ridiculed, embarrassed, and belittled. Those are the things I'm going to remember as I ferociously learn everything about becoming an artist who lives in art. As an adult who can articulate how I feel more accurately. I genuinely never hated myself or anything or anyone. I was simply hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, powerless, and felt like I didn't have any control about how I wanted to live my life. So again I say the reason I'm so elated to have these books is because I'm finally at peace with the demons I've been fighting for 15 years. Buying these books freely has open my mind to the endless possibilities of what can be done to execute my goals. Thankful for relaxtion, complication, hibernation, irritation, seclusion, confusion. It has truly strengthened me.

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