Hi there Pigeon
So at the time of writing it has been nearly 4 months to the day since you called me. Now that I have a fair bit of time and distance from everything that happened I can honestly say I miss you every day and still love you as much as ever. However, I don't want to get back together and I don't want to cause you problems. I understand why you broke things off (even if I don't agree). I understand exactly why you acted the way you did when you broke it off and about our conversations shortly after (even if I don't agree). So this letter may seem redundant, but to me it is essential.
Like you, I have struggled my whole life with depression and anxiety. These problems have become worse in the last year, and I am making positive changes to correct them. However, when you left me it was like a spotlight on everything. I was off work in January. I had a mental breakdown and walked out. You have talked to me before about when you feeling dark and struggle to move. It was very similar to that. However, I know you and I don't want you feeling responsible for what happened. There were several factors wrong in my life (which you had pointed out before) and it all came to a head.
In my entire life, I have felt like a failure. I can't help but feel that every decision I have made is wrong and is costing me massively. However, the only thing that ever felt right in my life was you. I always felt that you were a missing piece of a jigsaw to me and when I meet you the picture become whole. But I have struggled with the decisions that I made that pushed you away. I know that the breakup of our relationship is not just on me. We both have to accept the responsibility of what happened. But, I look back at the last 12 months with nothing but regret.
I have no regrets about us. If I could I would do it all again in a heartbeat. The time I spent with my art loving pigeon was the best. And I hope you can say the same about me. I regret the physical distance there was between us. I always wanted to be by your side. Cooking for and giving you a cuddle. Every night I went to bed up here thinking I wish you were here. I used to count the days until I could see you again. I regret that we were never able to get away as much as we wanted. I would have love to shown you the world and gone exploring with you. I regret the fear I had when you got the job abroad. Make no mistake I was delighted for you. I always wanted you to be the best, and I never wanted to be the one to hold you back. I was so afraid that if I said that, I would lose you. I regret how little I saw you the last few months. I know we put together a plan to see us through the first few months. It was a stupid plan. I should have been over to see you more.
However, while all this brings me much sadness the time I spent with you was the best of my life. And I think it was good for you as well. We both found each other at very difficult points in our life and we helped each other through it. But we were never just a support network to each other. There was a lot of love in our relationship and anyone who ever knew us as a couple, or as an individual, could see that.
I am happy and proud to have known you and to have been an important part of your life for so many years. All I ever wanted is for you to be happy Pigeon. And I love that were you are now, is working out for you. You belong over there. It suits you. I know at Christmas you said that would love to move home in next two years or so, but I can't see you doing that. I don't think there anything here for you anymore. I know the parents are here, but I think that a part of you would die if you came back after finding such a good place over there.
I am a better man for having known and shared so mush wonderful times with you. You enriched my life in a way I never thought I deserved. I believe that there are relationships and people that you never move on from. I am getting out and about and trying to make moves in my life. And I am trying to do that for myself and no longer for 'us'. And I know that there could be someone in the future (maybe!) who means as much to me as you. But they will never be you, and I know that I will always miss and love you. My pigeon will always have a special place in my heart. And I hope she can remember her poor wheezy penguin with fondness as well.
And if you ever do feel down, just remember you are the best. If people could see 1/10th of what I see then you would be crowned a queen.