To the ex that didn't deserve me

Subject: To the ex that didn't deserve me
Date: 15 May 2017

Sometimes, I really miss you. Actually, I realized I just miss the thought of you. What I imagined we'd become and how much I saw a future for us. It hurts when I think about it. For months, I actually cried. I couldn't believe what we had was actually over with. I tried to search every part of my mind, looking for what I did wrong and asking myself why forever wasn't actually that long. Soon, I realized you weren't good for me and our departure was meant to set us both free.

I needed to be free from the pain and destruction. You needed to be free from the hurt. You tried to break me. You almost did. I almost lost myself in you and all of our madness. Sometimes people say we should have already seen the signs and maybe we did, but just pretended to be blind. Either way we're through and I just have a few last words for you.

I guess in all honesty, I've spent the last few weeks, months, or even years looking for closure to dry these nightly tears and shoo away this unceasing thoughts. I've fought with myself the whole way and I've kind of lost all the words to say. Except that I am stronger now. I'm stronger because I learned to live without you. You hurt me to the core. Saying things you didn't mean or even going to all those different extremes. It only took one night to shatter all our dreams and I can't believe everything didn't turn out the way it all seemed. I cared for you deeply. I cared for you as a friend and a lover. I saw a future with you like I saw with no other, but you did the unspeakable and at one point, I thought it was unforgivable.

You took everything I told you and used it against me for your own personal gain. You did everything you could to put me through so much unwarranted pain. It didn't take long for me to see what you were doing and I could no longer brush it aside because the person that once made me feel alive ended up making me feel cold, dead, and empty inside.

I never thought I would ever get to this point where I could feel myself being so headstrong. I mean when we ended this, I was shattered and my world felt like a natural disaster. I couldn't control myself. Not my emotions or my health and honestly I was too afraid to ask anyone for help. I was too afraid because I was afraid of the "I told yous" or the sneering looks. I was afraid that I had taken the biggest L and no one would even care about how much pain I took. I took everything from you and I accepted everything I shouldn't have as well, but I was just trying to be everything to make sure we didn't fail.

Now look where we are. You're there and I'm here, but I'm a new person and I have nothing to fear. I've moved on by loving myself and I will find a healthy love when it's my time to set sail. For every time you told me I was nothing and no one would love me as much as you do, I found out that I was surrounded by people that were much better than you. It just took me a little while longer because I was being blocked by an unhealthy shade, but I smile brighter now and your domineering shadow has began to fade. For I know now, what we had wasn't healthy or real love, but honestly I wish you nothing except the best for one day we all must try to find true love. I hope you're happy with all the damage you've done and I hope you understand that I'm okay with none.

I want nothing from you. I no longer need an apology because I was able to find closure and happiness inside of me. So thank you for showing me the error of my ways, I just hope that one day you will forgive yourself for treating me that way.

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