Cashier Boy

Subject: Cashier Boy
From: Blue Eyes
Date: 27 Dec 2017

Dear Cashier Boy,
Back in 2000, if someone came up to me and told me that one day I was going to like you, I wouldn't have believed them. I wouldn't have believed them because I was so young, and boys had cooties. I didn't see you for years because I transferred to another school.
One day, I was looking around my stuff and I stumbled across our yearbook. I, of course, immediately looked at our class picture, and I wondered if you had a Facebook. For shits and giggles, I searched for you, and I found you. How funny. I was surprised to find that it was actually you. I didn't think much about talking to you because we didn't interact in school.
You were a grade higher than me, and you had your own group of friends. I, on the other hand, was an outcast. I didn't have very many friends, and I was always getting made fun of. If my memory serves me correctly, you would get made fun of, too. I never made fun of you. You, however, would laugh when your friends would make fun of me. I didn't dislike you. I didn't think much of you.
When I found you on Facebook, I still didn't think much of you.
I pictured the awkward boy that I knew from elementary. I didn't picture you growing up, and becoming handsome.
For the longest time, I've had a crush on you. All these years of reconnecting, I've had a crush on you, and I can't bring myself to tell you how I feel.
I'm not entirely sure how I feel. I don't know if I'm trying to fill in this void, or if I'm lonely. Maybe I just want to add you to my list of boys who I've messed around with. I'm not entirely sure.
I'm not entirely sure how you would feel if I told you what I'm feeling. I'm probably not your type. You probably like girls who are skinny, or skinnier than me. You probably like girls who have big boobs, small waists, and big butts.
I'm too fat for you. I'm not pretty enough for you.
You give me mixed signals. First I think you're flirting with me, then you act like I'm just another girl to you. I'm so confused.
When I see you, I start feeling some type of way. When we text, I start feeling some type of way. You make me feel some type of way. I don't even know how to explain it. I just want to be around you. I want to talk to you. I want you to notice me.
What have I got to lose, if I tell you? But what will I gain? Will you feel the same way? Maybe just a little?
If I tell you, will we ruin the friendship we have now? Will you still talk to me? Will you treat me differently?
I can keep going with the "what ifs?" I will only drive myself crazy with all of these questions.
This drives me crazy, and I just don't know what to do. I've tried everything to ignore this feeling. I try to keep myself occupied with reading, writing, coloring, listening to music, and talking to other guys, but I seem to come across your name and picture on my phone.
I can't bring myself to tell you.
I'm so afraid of the rejection. I'm so afraid of making a fool of myself. I'm afraid of pushing you away. I'm afraid of you seeing me for who I really am, and then leaving. I simply can't bring myself to tell you.
Part of me wants to tell you.
I think about telling you. I think about how you could possibly like me back. I think about being yours. What it would be like to go through all of the emotions couples go through. I think about what it would like being in your arms. I think about what it would be like to kiss you. What it would be like to make love to you.
God, I drive myself crazy.
Then I bring myself back down, and I know that you could never see me the way I see you. I just kind of have to ignore my feelings. I don't know how much longer I will be able to hold it all in, but I'm hanging on until then.
For now I will expose myself here because I know you won't see this.
Cashier Boy, I like you. I want to be with you.


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