To The Boy Who is Moving Away

Subject: To The Boy Who is Moving Away
Date: 8 Jan 2017

An Open Letter to the Boy who is Moving Away:
 
I’m sure somewhere in your room there’s a calendar with the date marked off: the day you get to start over. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you. I really am. I hope moving helps you find whatever it is you’re looking for, even though I’m not sure you know what that is. I’ve always believed in the cliché saying, “Everything happens for a reason”. This situation is no exception to that.
 
It’s sort of like the way we met, random and unforeseen. I’m sure you probably think I had preconceived notions of how it would play out, but I didn’t. I’m glad I didn’t, because if I had, you would have far exceeded any expectations I set.
 
I’ve never been the kind of girl who makes plans, mainly because “plans” never turn out the way we anticipate. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. In fact, I think there is something to be said for plans that go astray. On a Wednesday night, at the end of December, I never would have imagined that I would find myself captivated by a stranger. You had the ability to do what so many people before you couldn’t—intrigue me. It wasn’t about a physical connection, or even infatuation. It’s possible that all along I knew you were a bad idea, but somewhere between the laughter, conversation, and the uncanny ability to be myself, the potential consequences of knowing you disappeared.  Moments like that are hard to come by, a needle in a hay stack if you will. I realized that night that you were different than most. You possess the ability to light up any room you are in, and I was lucky enough to be the one who got to watch you shine, if only for a moment. I am the girl who feels deeply. I’ve learned that this trait is one that is both a blessing and a curse. I fall in love with sunsets, books, music, even moments. That night, I didn’t fall in love with you, but I feel in love with your ability to paint my world, which seemed black and white, with vibrant colors. I know this sounds farfetched and idealistic, but meeting you wasn’t some twist of fate or “magic moment”. I didn’t experience love at first sight. Instead, I experienced a sense of peace. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, I remembered what it felt like to appreciate the little things about someone. I shut out the broken parts of myself and remembered how it felt to laugh, play, and smile. It’s funny how a stranger can leave such an impact. It is irrational in every sense of the word, but I think if I had known you only in passing or for years, I would feel the same way. I guess things like connections, feelings, or interest don’t have time frames.
 
In the days that followed, I wanted to know more about you. I was genuinely interested in your love for surfing, your plans for moving, and the little moments that made up your day. You could make me smile from saying the most insignificant thing. In one text, you wrote me and said you didn’t know who or what you were looking for, but you hoped to find a best friend. In your words, I found common ground. It was like talking to a male version of myself. I’ve had relationships before, and no two have been alike. While I count each one as a chapter in my unfinished book, your pages are so unlike the others. For the first time, I found someone who I was just drawn to without explanation—you. I didn’t know how to explain what you were, but that never mattered to me. Maybe you were a crush, a friend, a potential love, or just an acquaintance passing by. I still don’t know the answer to that question and there is a chance I never will. It’s possible what we are isn’t meant to be defined.

The truth is you are a paradox—a clear contradiction to the choice I know is “right”. So, this is me swallowing all of my pride and admitting something to you: You are right. You are moving miles away and I’m staying here. We only spent a few moments together, and that’s hardly enough time to create anything substantial or long-lasting. Still, here I am writing down my most transparent thoughts in hopes that I might leave less unsaid. Why? Because you stand out to me. I find it difficult to walk away and pretend like what I felt never existed. There is a part of me that hopes you feel the same way. Sure, you are being a realist by admitting that we’d be saving one another from a difficult situation. For me, I think there might be something else that is more difficult: walking away from someone who has so much potential. Even though it’s likely that it would happen no matter what, there’s a few things I needed you to know.

In real life, I think we fear saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. It’s a fear can be so debilitating that most of us let moments pass us by for fear that we won’t be understood.  While it might be the practical to remain silent about things we appreciate or feel, I think I’d rather be genuine and bold. Here is the unscripted version of the things I should have said:

It completely sucks that your moving. From what I can tell, you need a change of pace in your life and you’ll probably be happy with a new beginning, but I never thought in a million years that id meet someone who was so incredible. From a selfish standpoint, I hate it. Have you ever sat down and thought about all of the things that you want in a person? I have. Unfortunately for me, you meet so many of the standards I have set for myself. You possess so many qualities that any girl would be crazy about. There’s no doubt in my mind that you will meet a girl who is beautiful, smart, and wonderful. I hope she appreciates you and loves the shit out of you. Even so, I need you to know all of the things I love about you.

You were always so sweet to me. From the very first thing you said to now, you showed me the way any girl deserves to be treated. I never thought someone would make me feel so comfortable, pretty, and accepted for just being me. Your kindness has never gone unnoticed. It meant more to me than you realized. I loved how easy it was to talk to you and hang out with you. It was effortless and authentic and the kind of feeling I had been looking for—someone who I just wanted to be with. I love your carefree nature and your willingness to be random and go on road trips at 10:00 PM to nowhere. I love when you text me random pictures in the middle of the day and make me smile. I love that you are artsy and corky. I love that you listened to country music with me for hours. Remember when you grabbed my face and said, “ I just had you”. I laughed it off and threw my walls up but the truth is—you did. You made me happy in such a short time. You had me so thankful that I was the girl who got to have your time. You made me excited over someone again. Thank you.

The truth is, I wish you weren’t so realistic because I don’t want to lose all of the feelings you gave me. Even though I doubt it, I hope I made you feel something, too. Honestly, I wanted to be the girl who got to change your perception about relationships and girls who “wronged” you before. Even when you try to push me away, I can’t see myself flipping a switch and not caring about you. I know that’s crazy to say about someone I hardly know, I can’t help it or explain it.

Even though your moving, I hope you know how special I think you are. From what you’ve said, the last few girls “ripped out your soul”. I don’t ever plan on doing that, but I may have unintentionally given you a part of mine. I hope when you move you find all the happiness in the world and know that there’s a random girl in New Jersey who thinks that you are perfect. Moving or not, there’s a small part of me that you have simply because I’ve been waiting so long to meet someone just like you. Even though you said you haven’t been yourself in years, I hope all of these things I’ve told you make you realize that you’re amazing just the way you are. Whatever we are, I hope you know that I feel really lucky that I got to meet you. I hope Carolina is everything you thought it would be. I hope there’s a chance that I cross your mind and you wonder about me just as much as I wonder about you. I guess most importantly, I hope whatever you decide and wherever you go, you’re happy.

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