Dear Husband,
I am writing you this letter because I want to keep to my promise not to shut you off, and also that I am a person who is not good at communicating my thoughts and feelings well. And if I were to talk to you face to face over this matter, I’m sure I’ll either break down or break apart. And when that happens, I’ll just naturally clamp up and stop talking altogether. Then I’ll never be able to reveal to you the real reason why I’m feeling so sad and broken now. Besides, I had also promised not to ever use my tears against you in any circumstances.
It has been 3 long weeks that I’d ignored you. You must be thinking and not understanding why I can stay angry for you for so long over a small cause. You must be thinking it is ridiculous that I am ignoring you over you wanting time off to yourself to play your computer games and your handphone games. You must be not understanding why I demanded for your precious time on a Sunday simply because I needed you and you were not willing to be there for me. The call in your gaming blood was lots stronger.
Actually the reason is more than that. I am usually not a petty person, if you knew me well.
It’s simply because you have betrayed our love by your visit to the prostitute. And also because you had betrayed the trust I placed onto you. I am not the conventional wife, who controls her husband’s every movement and every finances. I give you free play for both and I choose to trust you blindly. Instead, you chose to break my faith and belief in you. And you chose to cause me immense pain and heartbreak.
That fateful Sunday on the 3rd July 2016. You texted me to say you wanted to take a nap. You know that I won’t usually disturb you when you are napping. Simply because I know you need the nap and a nap is good and healthy for you. I am always on the lookout for your happiness and health. And you ‘napped’ for 3 hours from 2+ till 5+ pm. To think that I was still feeling happy that you had recouped some of your sleep…
On Tuesday 5th July evening, my father told me he saw you in Chinatown on Sunday afternoon and that you were there for prostitutes. He told me you pretended not to see him when you saw him. When he told me about it, honestly, I had no response outwardly. On the outside, I was so calm and emotionless that it seemed that we were just having a conversation about the weather. On the inside, my heart instantly went cold. Very, very cold. So cold that I felt abit chilled. I know shit had just dropped onto my head. Somehow I knew, instantly, that that was not your first visit to the prostitutes. You had been visiting prostitutes for the past few months already. Simply because few months back, I started to notice something very different about your dick. It wasn’t as hard and erect as it had been and you ejaculate lesser than what you should be ejaculating after 3 weeks of no-sex between us. The feel just wasn’t right but I was still the naïve one. I just shelved this observation aside until now. Now, the bits and pieces have fell into place.
I guess I’m part of the reason why you visited the prostitutes. I’m still small and tight down there so I am still not able to satisfy you in bed. I know it is part of your primitive male basic needs but I still feel utterly betrayed. I want to let you know that I agreed to register our marriage with you was because you were rather positive about it and that you said you can accept me as I am, as what I am not. And I also want to let you know that undergoing the operation was never far from my mind. I had been scrimping and saving since our marriage last April. I had always been looking for ways and means, including working my ass off, to earn more money so I can save the money for my operation. I was willing to undergo the operation just for you. I also want you to know that each time we tried in bed and was unsuccessful, I was as disappointed as you, if not even more disappointed than you.
Do you remember that one and only time I cried in front of you? I had never told you the real cause for my tears. You were frustrated as I was not able to satisfy you in bed that day, even if it was just oral sex. It wasn’t because you were fierce at me and raised your voice at me that I cried. The real reason why I cried was because I was very scared that I was even not able to satisfy you in oral sex. Oral sex was the least I can do for you in bed right now, yet I failed at that. I felt very miserable. I did not sleep at all that night. While you snored, I continued to cry silently in the bed, on the floor, in the toilet. My greatest fear was realized. If only you knew how I felt…
Looking back at then and now that you had sought solace and satisfaction in another woman’s arms, I guess I am really a naïve stupid woman. You were right to keep on laughing at my stupidity constantly. I guess I really am.
You may say that you visited prostitutes was just to satisfy yourself. But are you aware that you had also started to treat me differently for the past few months? If you were to recall, I did mention to you before that you don’t make me feel loved anymore. I can’t help but relate to what you told me before about one-night stands while we were in the dating stage. You said before that both parties need to feel something for one another before they can proceed and complete with a one-night stand. I guess that applies to prostitutes as well. All prostitutes have sad stories to tell and they can weave pity in a man’s heart easily such that the man will feel compelled to visit her time and again to ‘comfort’ her. Maybe that’s the reason why you treated me differently? If yes, then thank you for treating me way beneath a prostitute. This is no difference to having another woman in your life; no difference to having your legs in two boats at any one time.
You had long forgotten what I told you when we were in the dating stage. I told you there are four types of men that are in the cannot-make-it category: The ones who Eat, Drink, Prostitute, and Gamble. Out of the four types, you chose to be in that one category that causes me the most pain and the most immense heartache.
Three weeks now, my heart is still enclosed within its cold walls. It is still not allowing anyone, even myself, to reach into it. So I really do not know what my heart’s decision is yet. Maybe it is very wary of more pain and heartbreak that’s why it is totally enclosed now. Maybe I just need to wait till it has thawed. Perhaps it will take months. Maybe years. Maybe never.
But don’t worry, my heart is still very much alive. Once in a while, it will cramp up to let me know it is still there. Recently I had been getting quite a few cramps from it. At times, it still has the ability to make me feel cold for no reason. Perhaps it is slowly thawing? In the meantime, I’ll just continue to live a life of self-denial, to find things to do and spend my time away, distracting myself from all the things that had happened. Though I had lost my happiness, my sleep as well as my weight, I promise that outwardly, I’ll still appear strong and seemingly happy in the eyes of everyone else. Lies.
I still am praying for your happiness and especially health whenever I visit the temples. I don’t usually frequent temples unless I have something to pray for. And I had visited the two most prominent temples in the past two weeks to pray for my happiness, strength and sanity. Also to pray for your happiness and especially health now. I hope you are clean. I hope that I am clean as well. I hope you did practice safe sex with the prostitutes that you visit. You’d rather spend money on prostitutes than on your wife, so the least you can do, for our sake, is to practise safe sex.
As for me, I still need time to acknowledge, to recover and to heal. How long, I don’t know. My soul is just too weary now, to even cry. If only you know how it feels…
From Your Wife
