an advise to myself

Subject: an advise to myself
From: lj
Date: 25 Sep 2017

An advice to myself:
Throughout my life, even though I’m young, quite a few boys have already broken my heart. And for some weird reason I keep making the same mistakes… Why can’t I learn just like a normal person? The worst thing, which I regret every time is: I trust in other people very easily. And after I trust them they break my heart, just like that, and after that I depress a little, and a little and a little more.
Something I have noticed in these past months is that a lot of people ask me “why aren’t you smiling? Is there something wrong? Are you okay?”, I guess the answer for that is that I grew? I’m more mature? Or even, I stopped believing?
To be honest with you I love life, and I make the most of it, I travel around the world, I play sports, I study, I go to the beach, I party, I hang out with my friends and family, I have fun, so it’s not that I’m bored or anything, I just don’t know what is having someone from the opposite sex to care for you or love you, and maybe I’m sad because of that or maybe I’m just curious and my patience for waiting in running out!
I see some people dating other people just like they change their underwear (that means a lot), and I don’t know does that girl have that I don’t? why is someone in love with her and not me?
The thought that maybe I’m just not worth it comes from a long time ago, when my father passed way (when I was 10 yo). The cause of his death was because he had a bigger passion that he couldn’t handle, He loved something better than me, I wasn’t worth his time on earth, and since then, every time that someone I care in my life disappears (I mean for example stop talking to me for no reason, or not liking me in the same way I like them) in my life just makes me believe more in that. I just feel empty, I want someone to be proud of me, someone who wants to “show” me around, someone who isn’t afraid and wants to be with me.
Maybe it’s because I’m not like the insta famous girl kind, maybe my 3k followers are not enough now-a-days, or because I don’t have a Victoria secret body, or because I’m not rich. But you know what? I love the person I am, if I died today I would be so proud of my healthy lifestyle, my life is a dream, a good one! I love myself just like everyone should love their selves, and I’m just curious about love, what does it feel like?
The reason why I trust other people way too much might be because I have this idea of perfection, a dream, that I just want it to be real, so I just trust hoping that that will turn into what I picture. But it has to stop, since my father I have trusted too many people hoping that every time it would be different. The next man I catch feelings for will have to fight for me, he will have to make me believe again, he will have to win my heart and my trust because of the others that made me loose it. And I do not mean they’re all the same, they are not, I guess I was just not made for them.

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