You fucked me up mum

Subject: You fucked me up mum
From: Your fucking daughter
Date: 29 Dec 2016

I was 12. I was crying mum I felt so bad. I didn't mean to cut so deep fuck. You know it still fucks me up you just fucking left me at the hospital alone. to live with my father and step mum. I was so numb for so long, i forced myself to keep you out of my mind. I forced myself to smile every day I didn't want to get out of bed but I didn't complain. Then what? Just as I accepted my step-mum as perhaps my new mother - she fucking leaves me too. She leaves my dad, she takes my sister my step brother and again I'm shoved away. I still think I'm the problem. The worst part is I don't want to say I'm not to blame because I know I fucking lie to myself to cope. I am the problem. I managed to drI've away my dads love, his daughter practically his son too. He lost his house because of me but the month between her departure and the loss of the house were toxic as hell. I ate less than 300 calories a day. I wanted to be the perfect daughter for my dad. At least. We both smiled and laughed empty laughs every afternoon and acted as though things would be okay but you know what things were falling apart too fast and we both knew it. Do you know what it's like to see your dad force a ĺaugh and see the despair in his eyes? The same despair you feel and supress? You apologised. Thank you. But it didn't stop me from overdosing at the beginning of this year at 13 years old. I turned 14 in hospital and I'm still not out. My feelings have come back after so long but I just want to numb them with vodka I don't even care I just need everything to stop. You fucked me up and I know you're trying so hard to make things up to me but I can't forget about all the years of telling me to shut up and screaming about how you wish you weren't a mother and about how I could be a better child. I wish I was a better child too. I wish I was never born and I'm really trying to lessen your burden. I've learnt it's not as easy as cutting yourself open or taking 70 pills or tying things around my neck.

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