An Open Letter to the person I was before September 20th, 2017

Subject: An Open Letter to the person I was before September 20th, 2017
From: Your future self
Date: 2 Oct 2017

You are laying in the bed wishing sleep would come, but the thoughts that run through your mind won’t allow that to happen. So now due to lack of sleep, excessive worrying about everyone and everything, and your need to be perfect, you are suffering from something far worse than insomnia. You have literally worked yourself up to the point that you have anxiety with panic attacks that make you believe you are dying. You worry about the next panic attack, you worry about not sleeping last night, and now you worry you won’t sleep tonight.
In the shower in the mornings, you have already went through every bill you have coming due, every work task you need to complete that day, and every promise you have made to your family members that you cannot under any circumstances fail to come through with.

So how did you get here? That’s the million dollar question. And guess what, it doesn’t matter! Knowing why you became an emotional mess doesn’t change it. What will change it is realizing that the world will not stop if you fail. So I have some advice for you if you ever find yourself in this place again.
A doctor cannot fix your emotions. There is no magic medicine only a few things you need to remember.
Stop worrying because it will not change anything. Trust yourself more. You are an intelligent, independent woman and you don’t need others to affirm that. Listen more and talk less. You don’t have to control everything. Being there and fixing your families problems are two very different things. You have to trust your children to make wise decisions and realize when they fall, they will learn just as you have. Falling is not always bad.
Take time for you. Soak in the tub with a glass of wine and a scented candle burning. Take a long walk just to enjoy the scenery. Take vacations, not just trips. You deserve to enjoy this life. It’s not always the destination that’s the most important, the journey is the best part! Have a date night once a week no matter what. Stop letting life control you and start living your life! Spend time with family because they are so important. But still take time for yourself.
On September 20, 2017 your world will come to a screaming halt. And while you are scared out of your mind wondering why you cannot get the words you are thinking to come out of your mouth, these are the thoughts that will run through your mind.
OMG what if I am like this forever? What if I die tonight? What will happen to my family? Who will take care of my mom? Who will be there for my children? What will my husband do without me? You will pray to god in your head because the stroke is stopping the signal from reaching your mouth. The first words to god will be “forgive me for my sins, please take me to heaven if this is the end. I want to see my daddy” Then you will ask for another chance so your family won’t be without you. Do you see what is wrong here?
Nothing in your life up until this point has been for you! It’s time to stop this. If you want to make a difference in this world, start with yourself. Never let your own emotional and physical wellness fall to the side. Strive for grace not perfection. You don’t have to earn love. Love is given freely and unconditionally. Soak it in!
I promise you, if you dropped dead right now the sun would still rise in the morning. Your children would find a way to make it without you. Your husband would find a way to make it through the rest of his life. Someone would take care of your mom.
And remember you will make it through the stroke. It will take time to get back to thinking as clearly as you did before. But you will get back there, a little at a time. SLOW DOWN AND ENJOY THIS JOURNEY WE CALL LIFE! Stop killing yourself and start living. Life can be snuffed away in an instant. Make every second count!

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