Open letter the one that made me question everything

Subject: Open letter the one that made me question everything
Date: 27 Dec 2017

To (Insert Name)
I remember the day we first met. It was random; luck of the draw. The first time I saw you, I didn't know you'd mean so much. It was instant though. We clicked right away; not romanticaly though. It was only a couple weeks before I began calling you my best friend. It was only a couple months before we were together constantly. If we weren't together then we were constantly texting. You taught me what real friendship was. I could talk to you about anything; good or bad. You never judged me. You were always there for me when nobody else was. You didn't know it then, but you were the only reason I made it through the hardest time of my life. It wasn't long after that you told me you were falling for someone. I mean, you had always been in a long distance relationship, but this was different. This new guy lived close. I even met him. I remember this flow of jealously flow through me. I didn't know why. I just figured that it was because you spent more time talking to him than talking to your best friend. Then one night, it was only a dare, but we kissed. But it didn't stop. It kept going for a little while. I remember feeling butterflies like never before. I also remember pain in my stomach because it didn't make sense. You were a girl. I was a girl. I wasn't supposed to like girls. I had only dated boys. I didn't know what exactly I was feeling. Until I got more and more jealous of your relationship. Then we were drinking and it happened again. We kissed. This time the butterflies were even more intense. I remember the day we were in public and all I wanted to do was hold your hand. Then came the day that someone asked me if I was a lesbian or bisexual and if you were my girlfriend. I said no because I wasn't. I knew I wasn't. All I knew was that I loved you. That I wanted to be with you. That all I wanted was for you to be happy. I knew even more than I couldn't be with you. I was scared. To combat that fear I hurt you. I did something to you that I still regret to this day. It ended our friendship. I knew I'd be sad that our friendship ended but I was surprised.. I was heartbroken. Shaddered. A sadness came over me that I'd never experienced before. Not since loving my first boyfriend and even losing you hurt worse than that. I knew you hated me. I knew I was wrong. But the naive teenager part of me wanted you to hate me because if you did; I wouldn't have to deal with being in love with you. You'd go your way and I'd go mine. Even all these years later; I don't identify myself as bisexual. Because I'm not. I've never been attracted to another female; physically or emotionally. But I still think about you. I've never stopped. You're with someone. So am i. We're happy. But it doesn't change the fact that I loved you and in a way; always will. And when I say I loved you, I don't mean as my best friend. I mean it as I was in love with you. I wanted to be with you and only you. The thing is; you have came out as bisexual yourself. What does that mean? There was the possibility of me having you when I didn't think there was a chance. Funny thing is that I know now that you loved me too. Funny how things pass you by without knowing it. In case your wondering; I still love you. Just in a different way. I wish you the best and I hope you know that still to this day; you're my best friend and I'd still do whatever was necessary to make you happy.
Sincerely,
Your ex non lover

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