Open letter to my husband in heaven

Subject: Open letter to my husband in heaven
Date: 16 Dec 2016

People say that the first year is the worst... It gets better with time... You'll move on... And I want to just scream at them until I have no voice left. Every year will be the worst. No it doesn't get better with time. It just becomes different in how I have to deal with things. And who the he'll are they to tell me that I will move on... So what if I never do!
You were the absolute love of my life. The only person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I still feel robbed... I still question why... I still wonder how this plays into "God's plan" for me and our son. How could this be a part of any plan? Taking you from me and our son... REALLY? I'm still trying to come to terms with that. I know I never will, but I wish I could understand.
I know they mean well, but it's not what I need or want to hear. To be honest, I'd rather they say nothing. I'd rather they just let me vent... Just let me get my feelings out and then move on. Maybe that's part of the reason why I keep my feelings to myself... why I don't let them see me cry... why I smile on the outside and die on the inside... why I bury myself in work and activities and want to run. Because deep down, I want to hide from it all. I want to be numb. I don't want to feel the pain and emptiness. I want to stop pretending... stop people from thinking I'm strong... because I'm not. I'm just dealing with a fucked up situation the only way I know how to... in the only way that makes sense to me. By pushing it all aside and letting all the emotion bottle up inside me until I finally have to let some of it out to relieve the pressure... not all of it but some.
I don't know why I do it. Maybe it's because I'm scared. Scared of what my life will be now. Scared that I won't find another person that feels for me even half of what you felt. Scared that I will fail you and our son.
The one thing I do know is if I were ever given the chance to do it all again, I would. Even with knowing the outcome, I wouldn't change one thing. The love you showed me in our 11 years together was enough to last me the rest of my life. And anytime I want to see you, I just close my eyes and there you are with your arms open wide ready to hold me and never let me go. Just like I will never let you go. You will always be with me no matter where life takes me. And just as you loved me until your dying day, so too will I love you until mine.

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