You haven't been gone that long, at least not in my head. Every morning I wake up feeling like I've just heard the news all over again for the first time. And quietly I pretend to be okay. Even as my head pounds and my eyes begin to water, I walk around with a smile on my face.
Recently i've learned that I hate drugs more than ever. Whether it's the needle injected hell that stole you from me, or the common cigarette. I'll always feel as if you chose the needle over me, and I don't know if I can forgive you for that, but most of all I'll never forgive myself for not stopping you. They all say it's not my fault, but I don't want to blame you but I want to blame someone. Anyone who glances at me, because without blame I have nothing. No grudges to hold. No one else to be mad at but you, but mom, I don't want to be mad at you. I don't want to loose hours of sleep hyperventilating and crying and losing my mind over you but at the same time I do because I miss you and these tears seem to be the only thing I really have of you sometimes.
So dear mom, i know you were never an awesome mom, but I love you. And if I could trade a life for a life I'd give you mine, even for just a second.
An open letter to the mother I lost to heroin