April 12, 2017
Rumor has it that you’re single. And looking. Hard. Coincidentally, I am also single…but I’m not looking. However, the stars seemed to align in such a way that compelled me to write you anyway, because, hey, you’re Brett Eldredge.
See, when “I Wanna Be That Song” started playing regularly on my local country station a few months ago (shout out to @SeattleWolf), I was intrigued. After a few listens I found myself hoping it would play every time I got in the car, because, damn, your voice is a rugged kind of sexy. Especially in that song. Talk about making a woman swoon. It was then that I learned the name Brett Eldredge. Turns out you had other songs on the radio that I had also always liked, but, I’ll be honest, it wasn’t until “I Wanna Be That Song” came out that you were on my radar.
Fast forward to this past Monday afternoon. “Somethin’ I’m Good At” came on the same aforementioned station. I think yesterday was the third time I’d heard that song and it is such a good jam. It’s playful, it showcases some serious(ly awesome) personality, and you sound sexy as all get out in that one too. Suddenly I felt like typing your name into a Google search. It wasn’t the first time I had. I had once before, back when I first became obsessed with “I Wanna Be That Song,” to see who the heck you were and how long you’d been an “it” guy in country music, but I had done a quick once-over of your photos and your bio and hadn’t paid too close of attention then, because I honestly don’t have much time or energy to be investing into crushing on unattainable country music stars (although this letter certainly suggests otherwise). But this time, I looked a little more closely. Your photos SCREAM rugged sexy (like your voice) with a touch of rebel thrown in—that little bit of rebel is easily displayed in “Somethin’ I’m Good At.” You look how you sound. It’s too good to be true. And after I finished drooling over your photos for a few seconds (including that one of you on a bike with your younger cousins—you love kids, too? OMG I’m in love), I noticed that the top items that pulled up when I searched your name were articles touting your singledom, one of which was even titled “Score a Date with Brett Eldredge.” And those articles all said they were from ONE DAY ago. You had literally JUST announced, to the world, your desire to meet the woman of your dreams ASAP, just an instant before I decided to indulge in my little country music star crush with a quick Google search. Oh, Brett. I’d love to score a date with you. I just might be the woman of your dreams. If only.
I’m a very honest and forthcoming person, so I might as well just put everything out here on the table, and start with the negatives. Here are the Top 5 Reasons Why You (most definitely) Should NOT Date Me.
1. We live nowhere near each other. At least, I don’t think so…I live in the greater Seattle, WA area and I’m guessing you do not. I would assume you live in Nashville because isn’t that, like, where every country star lives? Clearly I need to do a better job of stalking my supposed celebrity crush because I have basically no information about you. But, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t have much time for such things. Which brings me to…
2. I have two very small children. Two very small children that demand almost every second of my time and energy. They are the center of my world. They always will be. You would not be. Sorry, just being honest—their needs will always come first, and believe me, they have a lot of them. Which is why dating hasn’t interested me at all—until I saw that you were looking for a girlfriend, of course. I can make an exception for you.
3. I’m newly divorced. And we are talking NEWLY divorced. Like, less than a month ago divorced. My ex and I haven’t been together for over a year, and our marriage was pretty much a train wreck for the entire year before that, but, even so…I’ve technically only been “single” for like 4 weeks.
4. I’m flat broke and in loads of debt. See above for the reason why. Divorce=financial devastation. So if you want to go out with me and not foot the entire bill every time, I can pretty much only afford a coffee date. Maybe once a month. And that’s OK by me since a 1.5 hour coffee date is probably the maximum amount of time I can invest in dating within a one month period, anyway.
5. I’m not at all country. Not even remotely. I’ve never worn cowgirl boots in my life (I mean, is that even a REAL thing that country chicks do though? I wouldn’t even know). Sure, I enjoy jamming to the current country tunes on my local radio station (who wouldn’t with talent like yours!) but the only country legends I could name are Johnny Cash and George Strait. Cash because he’s Cash (duh) and George Strait only because he has a few current songs out there (which are really good, by the way).
So, are you totally into me yet? Ready to pick up that phone and “tweet” me? (Good luck. I just had to look up my Twitter handle because I never use Twitter). I know I’ve done a great job of selling myself so far. Let me try a little bit harder with The Top 5 Reasons Why You SHOULD Date Me:
1. We live nowhere near each other (again, I guess this is technically just an assumption—I really should look this one up to know for sure). But there isn’t pressure on you to try to hang out with me all the time when you probably have an insanely busy schedule. And, as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so it would be that much sweeter when we actually were together.
2. I have two very small children. They are incredible and they bring so much joy and light to my life. I can only hope that I find someone else who feels the same way about them (I’m thinking about that bike picture again…I can just imagine you as the World’s Best Stepdad…too soon? Yeah, probably. Sorry). But you wouldn’t be meeting them anytime soon, as I will be very careful about who I introduce them to and when. But don’t worry, Brett. I’m sure you’d be worthy of meeting them. I would just need to allow an appropriate amount of time to pass—that is, if we actually were to start dating and then fall in love, which I’m sure is a huge possibility.
3. I’m newly divorced. Which means I am so so so so so so single. The drama of actually getting through the divorce process is over now, too, so you wouldn’t have to worry about that. And I now know what I want, and what I don’t want, in a future partner, so if I ever had any doubts about our future or concerns about fundamental differences, I wouldn’t string you along or waste your time. But again, I’m sure that wouldn’t be an issue, because you’re Brett Eldredge. You’re a hot, famous country star so you must be perfect.
4. I’m flat broke and in loads of debt. Which means I’m actually super easy to impress. No need to wine and fine dine me—I’m happy hanging out watching a movie, snuggling on the couch. Or cooking you dinner in (and while I’m certainly not much of a cook, I have a few signature comfort food dishes that I make very well, so if you’re a comfort food kind of guy, look no further). Of course, I’m not promising that I’d ever have the time to actually sit down and watch a movie with you. Although I did watch a movie a couple of months ago while my son was at his dad’s house. It was the first movie I’ve watched in about 3 years. It was great. My daughter only started screaming once in the middle of it.
5. I’m not at all country. And from what I can gather, Brett, since I clearly know you SO well, that little bit of rebel in you just might be interested in trying a different path and branching out. And trust me, I’m very different than any of the women you might find in Nashville or on the celebrity circuit (I say Nashville since you obviously MUST live there. Where DO you live, Brett?)
So, there you have it. I’m a single mom, same age as you, not really looking for love currently but willing to explore the possibility of it with the one and only YOU. And I’m also fully aware that you and I will never actually happen. But that’s OK. Fortunately, I can always turn on my country station and hope one of your awesome songs comes on and makes me smile...that’s somethin’ you’re good at, Brett. Making a girl smile again. Keep killing it in the country music scene, and slaying with your rugged sexy rebel looks.
Your New Biggest Fan That Knows Nothing About You