I can't even explain to you how many times I wish I could've written this to you. How I wished I'd see your face more instead of your back. You created me but you also destroyed me. Father. A person who is supposed to guide you without judgement, let you know that you are worthy. Show you the way. A person you never were for me. Your love is for show except it wasn't so clear for me what exactly you were trying to show. Were you trying to show off the awkward smiles that were hiding the fact that we didn't know you? Were you trying to show off our beauty and take credit for our growing minds that you had no part of creating? Were you trying to show off the fact that you just might have two kids that you haven't fucked up yet? You were doing all of this to show off, so you could hide that fact that the pretty exterior was masking the ugly, dirty insides. That our family is held together by birthday cards filled up money that are step up to be yearly apologies for never being there. I don't want your money that you earned from being around other people, people you are loyal to when you aren't around for us. Loyalty is showing up, too bad I never see you around here.
You don't even know what you've done. What I've done to feel worthy. How low I was, how much I hated myself. I let so many men see me. I let them use me, predators gaze at my naked flesh so I could feel like I was fucking worth anything.
You were never there when I was molested by my brother. You were never there when he physically harmed my sister and I. You were never there when my sister and I were being evicted from our home.
I had a mother, who was always there. So what you bought me shoes, that's what you're supposed to do as a father.
You're not my father. I don't know who you are.
To the one man who continues to torment me