To my guy friend

Subject: To my guy friend
From: S
Date: 19 Jul 2017

Dear​ ​D,

We​ ​were​ ​friend​ ​for​ ​a​ ​short​ ​time.​ ​Two​ ​years​ ​to​ ​be​ ​precise.​ ​I​considered​ ​you​ ​to​ ​be​ ​one​ ​of​ ​my​ ​best friends,​ ​in​ ​fact.​ ​You​ ​took​ ​me​ ​as​ ​is,​ ​wild​ ​past,​ ​crazy​ ​present,​ ​and​ ​fiery​ ​redhead's​ ​disposition.​ You never​ ​told​ ​me​ ​I​ ​was​ ​stupid,​ ​or​ ​ugly,​ ​or​ ​had​ ​a​ ​habit​ ​of​ ​falling​ ​in​ ​love​ ​with​ ​the​ ​worst​ ​man​ ​possible. In​ ​short,​ ​you​ ​were​ ​a​ ​wonderful​ ​friend.

We​ ​navigated​ ​the​ ​akward​ ​per​ ​friendship​ ​waters​ ​of​ ​UST​ ​and​ ​angst​ ​smoothly,​ ​and​ ​settled​ ​into what​ ​I​ ​thought​ ​was​ ​an​ ​adult​ ​relationship.​ ​You​ ​laughed​ ​at​ ​my​ ​family​ ​drama,​ ​and​ ​provided​ ​an
excellent​ ​sounding​ ​board​ ​for​ ​new​ ​adventures.​ ​I​ ​commiserated​ with​ ​your​ ​terrible​ ​luck​ ​with​ ​dates, and​ ​reassured​ ​you​ ​that​ ​it​ ​wasn’t​ ​you​ ​who​ ​was​ ​the​ ​problem,​ ​that​ ​there​ ​was​ ​nothing​ ​wrong​ ​with you,​ ​you​ ​just​ ​have​ ​a​ ​tendency​ ​to​ ​go​ ​for​ ​the​ ​crazy​ ​girls.​ ​You​ ​talked​ ​me​ ​through​ ​a​ ​rocky relationship​ ​start,​ ​and​ ​were​ ​there​ ​for​ ​me​ ​when​ ​I​ ​found​ ​my​ ​dad​ ​and​ ​the​ ​whole​ ​world​ ​fell​ ​apart.​ ​I drove​ ​an​ ​hour​ ​to​ ​see​ ​you​ ​when​ ​you​ ​went​ ​to​ ​uni,​ ​and​ ​baked​ ​you​ ​bread​ ​when​ ​you​ ​were​ ​tired​ ​and broke.​ ​You​ ​were​ ​a​ ​companion​ ​at​ ​the​ ​wildest​ ​times,​ ​after​ ​mass​ ​or​ ​while​ ​I​ ​washed​ ​the​ ​dishes,​ ​and in​ ​return,​ ​I​ ​tried​ ​my​ ​best​ ​to​ ​be​ ​a​ ​good​ ​friend.

Eventually​ ​you​ ​found​ ​a​ ​good​ ​relationship,​ ​with​ ​a​ ​woman​ ​who​ valued​ ​you​ ​for​ ​who​ ​you​ ​are. Although​ ​my​ ​heart​ ​rejoiced​ ​for​ ​your​ ​happiness,​ ​I​ ​perhaps​ ​was​ ​less​ ​than​ ​enthusiastic​ ​in conversation.​ ​I​ ​never​ ​met​ ​J,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​had​ ​seen​ ​you​ ​hurt​ ​so​ ​many​ ​times.​ ​I​ ​wanted​ you​ ​to​ ​guard​ ​you heart​ ​until​ ​the​ ​perfect​ ​woman​ ​found​ ​it.​ ​Regardless​ ​of​ ​my​ ​reservations,​ ​I​ ​am​ ​truly​ ​happy​ ​for​ ​you. You​ ​are​ ​my​ ​friend,​ ​and​ ​you​ ​being​ ​happy​ ​makes​ ​me​ ​happy.

When​ ​we​ ​met​ ​for​ ​coffee​ ​that​ ​last​ ​time,​ ​all​ ​seemed​ ​well.​ ​We​ ​made​ plans​ ​to​ ​check​ ​in​ ​in​ ​a​ ​few weeks​ ​and​ ​set​ ​up​ ​another​ ​coffee​ ​break.​ ​There​ ​was​ ​a​ ​lovely,​ ​wild​ ​conversation​ ​about​ ​knife​ ​laws and​ ​politics.​ ​​ ​I​ ​only​ ​remember​ ​asking​ ​about​ ​J​ ​the​ ​once,​ ​simply​ because​ ​your​ ​relationship​ ​was still​ ​new,​ ​I​ ​only​ ​knew​ ​about​ ​it​ ​because​ ​I​ ​work​ ​with​ ​your​ ​brother,​ ​and​ ​you​ ​didn’t​ ​really​ ​seem​ ​to
want​ ​to​ ​talk​ ​about​ ​it.​ ​Memory​ ​is​ ​fallible,​ ​but​ ​truly,​ ​this​ ​is​ ​all​ ​I​ ​can​ ​recall.

The​ ​next​ ​couple​ ​of​ ​weeks​ ​past​ ​quickly,​ ​during​ ​which​ ​I​ ​remember​ ​asking​ ​after​ ​you​ ​to​ ​your​ ​brother a​ ​couple​ ​times,​ ​more​ ​to​ ​make​ ​conversation​ ​on​ ​our​ ​only​ ​common​ ​ground​ ​than​ ​anything.​ ​Perhaps
we​ ​talked​ ​about​ ​you​ ​and​ ​J,​ ​I​ ​honestly​ ​can’t​ ​recall,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​certainly​ ​never​ ​made​ ​any​ ​kind​ ​of​ ​attack on​ ​her​ ​or​ ​your​ ​relationship.​ ​I​ ​remember​ ​laughing​ ​with​ ​a​ ​friend​ ​about​ ​how​ ​at​ ​one​ ​point,​ ​most​ ​of
my​ ​co-workers​ ​thought​ ​we​ ​were​ ​dating,​ ​and​ ​how​ ​silly​ ​that​ ​was,​ ​as​ ​neither​ ​of​ ​us​ ​ever​ ​was​ ​truly interested​ ​in​ ​the​ ​other.​ ​Beyond​ that,​ ​I​ ​can​ ​not​ ​remember​ ​any​ ​conversation​ ​that​ ​involved​ ​you​ ​or​ ​J as​ ​a​ ​topic.

When​ ​I​ ​reached​ ​out​ ​to​ ​you​ ​again,​ ​I​ ​received​ ​no​ ​response.​ ​The​ ​second​ ​time,​ ​I​ ​received​ ​a ‘hanging​ ​out​ ​with​ ​J,​ ​sorry’.​ ​I​ ​replied​ ​with​ ​‘Sure,​ ​ditch​ ​the​ ​plain​ ​old​ ​friend​ ​for​ ​the​ ​girlfriend.​ ​:)​ ​Have
fun.’​ ​The​ ​third​ ​time,​ ​I​ ​tried​ ​a​ ​different​ ​track,​ ​and​ ​simply​ mentioned​ ​that​ ​I​ ​finally​ ​got​ ​my​ ​keyboard back,​ ​hoping​ ​to​ ​start​ ​a​ ​conversation.​ ​After​ ​two​ ​months​ ​of​ ​no​ ​texts​ ​and​ ​brush​ ​offs​ ​when​ we bumped​ ​into​ ​each​ ​other​ ​in​ ​our​ ​small​ ​town,​ ​I​ ​asked​ ​if​ ​we​ ​were​ ​ever​ ​gonna​ ​hang​ ​out.​ ​You​ ​then informed​ ​me​ ​that​ ​I​ ​had​ ​made​ ​comments​ ​that​ ​made​ ​you​ ​uncomfortable.​ ​I​ ​immediately apologized,​ ​and​ ​asked​ ​what​ ​I​ ​had​ ​said.​ ​You​ ​replied​ ​that​ comments​ ​made​ ​at​ ​work​ ​and​ ​before had​ ​been​ ​disrespectful​ ​to​ ​J​ ​and​ ​to​ ​your​ ​relationship.​ ​I​ ​have​ ​no​ ​idea​ ​which​ ​comments​ ​you​ ​feel
were​ ​hurtful​ ​and​ ​‘crossed​ ​a​ ​line’,​ ​but​ ​apparently​ ​I​ ​made​ ​them.​ ​I​ ​apologized​ ​again,​ ​and​ ​assured you​ ​that​ ​I​ ​wanted​ ​nothing​ ​but​ ​happiness​ ​for​ ​you.​ ​I​ ​told​ ​you​ ​I​ ​would​ ​love​ ​to​ ​meet​ ​J​ ​and​ ​tell​ ​her
how​ ​happy​ ​I​ ​am​ ​for​ ​you.​ ​I​ ​apologized​ ​again,​ ​and​ ​asked​ ​if​ ​you​ ​thought​ ​we​ ​could​ ​move​ ​past​ ​this. You​ ​never​ ​responded.

I​ ​am​ ​hurt.​ ​I​ ​valued​ ​our​ ​friendship​ ​more​ ​than​ ​that.​ ​I​ ​am​ ​naturally​ ​selfish,​ ​and​ ​so​ ​I​ ​feel​ ​like​ ​almost two​ ​years​ ​of​ ​companionship​ ​deserves​ ​more​ ​than​ ​two​ ​months​ ​of​ ​silence​ ​and​ ​no​ ​reply​ ​to​ ​my
apology​ ​for​ ​something​ ​i'm​ ​fairly​ ​sure​ ​i​ ​never​ ​did,​ ​especially​ ​intentionally.​ ​I​ ​don’t​ ​know​ ​if​ ​there​ ​is more​ ​going​ ​on,​ ​perhaps​ ​the​ ​things​ ​you’ve​ ​heard​ ​have​ ​been​ ​passed​ ​through​ ​three​ ​people​ ​before they​ ​reach​ ​you,​ ​or​ ​maybe​ ​J​ ​is​ ​uncomfortable​ ​with​ ​you​ ​having​ ​a​ ​female​ ​friend,​ ​or​ ​something​ ​else altogether.​ ​Or,​ ​perhaps​ ​you​ ​really​ ​think​ ​so​ ​poorly​ ​of​ ​me​ ​as​ ​to​ ​believe​ ​I​ ​would​ ​break​ ​you​ ​trust​ ​to insult​ ​your​ ​girlfriend.​ ​I’m​ ​just​ ​not​ ​sure,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​likely​ ​never​ ​will​ ​get​ ​an​ ​answer​ ​from​ ​you.

Here’s​ ​what​ ​i’m​ ​going​ ​to​ ​do.​ ​Now​ ​that​ ​i’ve​ ​put​ ​my​ ​hurt​ ​and​ ​anger​ ​into​ ​the​ ​world,​ ​i’m​ ​going​ ​to delete​ ​our​ ​previous​ ​conversation​ ​from​ ​my​ ​phone​ ​so​ ​that​ ​I​ ​don’t​ ​obsess​ ​over​ ​it.​ ​If​ ​you​ ​don’t​ ​get
back​ ​to​ ​me​ ​within​ ​a​ ​month,​ ​I’m​ ​going​ ​to​ ​delete​ ​your​ ​phone​ number​ ​so​ ​that​ ​the​ ​temptation​ ​to​ ​call and​ ​beg​ ​for​ ​an​ ​answer​ ​is​ ​gone.​ ​When​ ​I​ ​see​ ​you​ ​around,​ ​I​ ​will​ ​smile,​ ​say​ ​hello,​ ​perhaps​ ​even​ ​ask how​ ​you’re​ ​doing,​ ​and​ ​then​ ​walk​ ​away.​ ​You​ ​have​ ​made​ ​it​ ​plain​ ​you​ ​don’t​ ​trust​ ​me​ ​or​ ​want​ ​me​ ​in your​ ​life,​ ​so​ ​I​ ​will​ ​respect​ ​that,​ ​even​ ​though​ ​you​ ​have​ ​no​ ​respect​ ​for​ ​me.​ ​I​ ​would​ ​have appreciated​ ​if​ ​you​ ​had​ ​found​ ​a​ ​more​ ​mature​ ​way​ ​to​ ​discuss​ ​any​ ​problems​ ​you​ ​had​ ​with​ ​me, however,​ ​I​ ​recognize​ ​that​ ​you​ ​did​ ​what​ ​you​ ​were​ ​comfortable​ ​with.​ ​You​ ​hurt​ ​me​ ​though,​ ​and were​ ​you​ ​to​ ​come​ ​to​ ​me​ ​and​ ​ask​ ​to​ ​resume​ ​our​ ​friendship,​ ​I​ ​hope​ ​I​ ​would​ ​have​ ​the​ ​strength​ ​to tell​ ​you​ ​no.

All the best in life,

S

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