To my ex-lover

Subject: To my ex-lover
From: C
Date: 7 Mar 2018

how can I say that I still feel, deep in my heart, that you want me, that you need me and crave for communication? Maybe I wish it to be true and SO much that I'm starting to think this feeling is mutual and I can feel you through distance and time. A very wise witch once said to me that you and I met in another life, and we were married. Can you imagine it? Us? Married? No shit, we surely were having tons of sex till you decide to cheat on me and I dissappeared from your life forever, till the next life, which is this one.

It's ironic because if that's true, then this life taught me something: I am the other woman, the mistress, but I am suffering too. Our relationship is doomed and there's no happy ending, can you see it?

To be honest, I'm afraid, I'm afraid of not seeing you again. I miss your eyes, those eyes that never lie. I miss your voice, I miss your smile. I miss being yours from time to time. I miss you.

In this very moment you could be pretty much loving her and not thinking -for a second- about me. It would feel really rough, but if this life wants me to let you go, then I guess I have to learn to let you go, even if it's in the arms of an unstable woman who severely mistreat you on a daily basis.

I don't love you because we ran out of time. I'm not crying for you and I don't feel like dying from a heartache that seems to come from my very soul for you. What I do feel is that I miss you when you're not here with me, and how much I think about you when I'm alone, wishing you were talking to me until you fall asleep every night.

I am really concerned about the feeling that I can still feel you thinking about me. I'm in denial, I can't believe otherwise. I know my mind can be playing tricks on me... but it feels like the truth: I feel you, and I think about you too, most of the time, everywhere and god, god fucking lord I wish you were here.

I have thought so many times about seeing you in a public place, by coincidence, and running to you to hug you tight, you letting me cry on your shoulder while whispering in my ear: "it's ok, no one is going to hurt you". I know, that sounds pretty movie-like, but if our real relationship, that short but thrilling relationship, was like a movie, why not now? Is this the end? Is the "fair end" that you end up with the girl who mistreats you while I end up alone, wondering if you're okay every fucking day of my life?

I'll miss you forever.


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