I wish we could.

Subject: I wish we could.
From: Your daughter
Date: 6 Feb 2018

I wish we could talk.
I wish I could look at a picture of you and not feel anger.

I'm trying to better my life this year and so far this is how it's gone:
-Quit smoking ( My own way )

-A month away from finishing school. ( Grad date late Feb. )
-Studying for the test I need to take to get my license. ( In Mar. )

-Cleaned out everything I had in the basement.
-Finished organizing and cleaning my room. ( I can walk in it )
-Currently doing laundry that I've neglected for months.

-Got a boyfriend and he's more than I could have ever asked for. ( 4 months )
-I have a friend group now that I can confide in, laugh with, and supports me.

And as far as my other goals besides getting the car, a full time job, and moving out. I also want to lose weight when I get a steady income and car situation to get to a gym.

I wish we could talk.
Then you'd know all the things I just listed.
I wish I could think of visiting you and not get overwhelmed with anxiety and fear.

I wish I knew how to deal with my feelings without shutting down.
I wish I knew how to express my feelings without melting down.

I wish I could think of NJ without thinking of hospitals, tears, and cigarettes.

I wish I could look at you and smile.
I wish I could say I love you and mean it.

I wish that when you pass I'll feel something other than relief.
I wish that when you walk me down the aisle I won't feel grief.

I wish we could talk.
Then you'd know how I feel.

I wish I didn't have nightmare's about you yelling at me in the living room for hours about how I fucked up.
I wish I didn't cry in the morning after waking up from them.

I wish that when I have body issues some days that it wasn't your voice telling me how fat and lazy I am.
I wish that when I have self esteem issues some days that it wasn't your voice telling me how I failed and that I won't amount to anything.

I wish I could see your name pop up on the phone with a ring and not suddenly feel hurt.
I wish I could have believed you when you said you'd never actually hit me.

I wish we could talk.
Then you'd know how I see.

I wish I felt more than apathy.
I wish I could treat my feelings with the same respect I treat other's.

I wish I could trust people close to me more than I do.
I wish I didn't see every small mistake or flaw as a huge failure.

I wish I could see a father and daughter and not feel a stab in my chest.
I wish I didn't cry until I had no tears left.

I wish I didn't isolate myself.
I wish I spent less time staring at the white bumpy ceiling with tears rolling towards the ground.

I wish we could talk without feeling like neither one of us are heard.

I wish we could talk without me sitting mute.
I wish we could talk without you screaming.

I wish you hadn't cut up my debit card and made me dig for it through the trash.
I wish you hadn't hit me when I was young.
I wish you hadn't called me degrading names.
I wish you hadn't brought so many women home.
I wish we could have bonded over more than just comics and movies.

I wish I could have made you proud.
I wish that I could have been enough.

I really tried Dad, I was going through a lot more than you know.
I had to be strong because every time a woman left things got worse, and they only got better when you got a girlfriend.
I had to be strong because I had to let it go for your sake.

I had to be strong after being hurt by a man in the bathroom.
I had to be strong when we moved.
I had to be strong after the divorces.
I had to be strong when I hurt myself over the past year(s).
I had to be strong to not do it again.
I had to be strong when you screamed at me.

I had to be strong because you needed me to be.

Now I have to be strong for myself, and I don't know how to do that.

I wish we could talk because then you'd know my goals.
I wish we could talk because then you'd know my life.
I wish we could talk because then you'd know how I feel.
I wish we could talk because then you'd know how I see.

I wish we could talk Dad because then you'd know me.

I wish we could.

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