To the friend I thought I'd have forever

Subject: To the friend I thought I'd have forever
Date: 16 May 2017
I've had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower I can' t quite make out what it is. It takes time.'

To anyone about to read this.. Why do we not talk about friend breakups?! I feel as though they are worse than an actual relationship. I don't know about you, but I've never felt this way before.

A few months back, up until now, I was working on this card for someone who was once very important to me. The same week I was going to give it to her, she remained posting negatively about me and from there, I realized maybe it is a loss cause.

~You never apologized for hurting me but, I've apologized multiple times for being angry about it..~

Why is that?

But whatever. I get it. You're still human.

Life happens and a series of a unfortunate events transpired between us and I wish that wasn't so. If I could change the outcome of all that became, I would. I would start from the very beginning and alter anything to have changed this faith. I wish I could grasp what occurred, so we wouldn't be the way we are now.

Why did it have to go this route?

Will we ever know? I wish we were adults about this and bypassed all the passive aggressiveness and fought for this friendship. Is it just me that feels this??
I don't know... BUT, I don't hate you.

I'm not sure if you know that.

I hate what transpired, but I don't hate you.

You were like a sister to me. Not many people in my life I could call that. To compare before and now, it is so weird to me. I didn't think I'd be celebrating a Fourth of July without you..

I do not even know how to react to that.

~I burned my bridges and you used your knife. It's is what it is though, right?~

You finally graduated and I was so eager to be able to see you more and then just like that, it all came crashing down.

It wasn't suppose to be like this.

I feel like the people I told how I felt during the time and who saw the text messages would hate me for forgiving you, but I feel like everything could and should be fixed. Those are the same friends who watched me break when it occurred and were still there when I picked myself back up, because that's what friends do.

I thought that I had that with you.

BUT, don't be getting all worked up over that last paragraph and stuff. I'm just being open and honest. It also doesn't imply you're a terrible person, because you're not and I'm not either. We had great moments together, but everything just happened all too fast and miscommunication played a huge toll for sure. Social media always has a way of negatively skewing things unfortunately..

Feelings can't be denied though and this doesn't and hasn't felt right to me. I'm done with ignoring them, moving on and being "strong," or the bigger person. I'm human with real emotions, you know? It just f*cking sucks, and it hurts.

Alright.

I've tried time and time again to make my amends, all for you to throw it in my face and stay bullying me via social media. Even your mother, a grown woman, who I valued and loved dearly was spewing hate for all to see; regarding me. My own mother still doesn't know the full extent of what's occurred and I've limited the details, because I didn't want to taint her memory of you. The same goes for my brother. We don't ever talk about it and I plan to keep it like that, because I know he cares for you. Meanwhile you and your mother have built this negative image of me. It's crazy.

Yet, I still miss you.

I miss what we had.

Who you were.

My best friend.

Whom I was ALWAYS was loyal to.

I miss having you as the longest streak and on the very top of my Snapchat list. You were like the only reason I had that app to begin with.. The amount of screenshots I have of you, and us, is ridiculous. They'll always be something I can reflect back on in my later years.

I hope that's not weird.

I miss watching anime, Disney and the Winnie the Pooh with you. I miss being able to talk to you about everything, and watching you get drunk off a mikes hard, or you know, flat out eating a jar of olives together like nobody's buisness.

I honestly haven't touched any olives since. It feels weird to me now and makes me sick..

I miss our car rides, our beach excursions, and movie nights. Spending hours laughing over god knows what, usually the stupidest of shit, but its what made us. We just connected so well. You had a way of bringing out my inner child and I appreciated that about you. I valued you in my life, and my children's. You were special to us and now it's gone, as if it never happened.

But it did.

And eventually my oldest sons memory of you will fade away and it doesn't sit right with me. Yet, the other two won't even have that. I never saw that coming. You were the godmother and now I'm scared to entrust anyone else with that.

You really f*cked me up.

Don't get me wrong, I use to love you for being blunt, its a great quality but, this time you took it too far and didn't meet me half way. I wanted you too see me, to see my situation for what it is from eyes, and to feel what I did when it all transpired. You didn't have to agree, but you also didn't need to make me feel the way you did.

I've dedicated my whole life to being a mother because that's what I chose and wanted. It's not always easy, but I will always rise on top. I made that choice the day I decided to have my first son.

Yet, you really hurt me with that sharp tongue of yours. I never thought you'd use your words in such a way. It's like you gave me no credit for all the hard work I put into my life. I've never had things handed to me. I've worked hard to get to where I am now. So, how could I not become insecure and think this is how my best friend has always viewed me though?

You just didn't pull these thoughts out of nowhere and then it reminded of the time you attacked me about my tree tattoo.. Which you did apologize for afterwards. Yet, in that moment you made me feel so useles and unappreciated, but I came crawling back to wolfs den anyhow; just for this to all pan out the way it did.

I supported you when everyone left you, even when I told you how I felt about your situation and how I didn't approve. I expressed my side, but in the end, it was your choice.

Why couldn't you of done that for me?

You don't have to compromise convictions in order to be compassionate, you know?

We need to learn on our own and I just thought you'd want the same for me. You know how I am, my morals and everything. I knew all the sacrifices I was going to have to make. Why couldn't you of trusted me to make my own choices without feeling alienated by you?

This is my life remember?

I've always appreciated your input, but you crushed me this time and you were WRONG. I didn't "burn my life to the ground." Instead this fire was the very thing I built a foundation on. Life is about handling the cards we've been dealt, as if they were the ones we've wanted.

Which is exactly what I did.

I just wish you were there to see it.

To see me happy and thriving.

When I needed you most, you used your words as a weapon and then left. It has nothing to do with your opinion.. It was how you said I. I wish you got that.

You were my best friend and the FIRST person I told about my pregnancy.. It blew my mind how easily you told me I was a shitty person for having more children. How was that fair? You know damn well I am not a bad parent, or person, and if I truly was, why would you have waited all these years to say something?

Why did you resent me, my choices, the way that you did?

What did I do to deserve those texts?

I needed you and you broke me.

You knew how hard I was working towards enlisting and I can't help but think maybe it wasn't ever meant for me. I tried expressing that to you and you didn't care. I wish you saw it in the same light as me, because my little lochness saved me.

The way it was so easy for you to turn your back on me and paint me as this awful human, was just.. I don't even know.. Not what I expected from you, I guess.

Then you immediately befriend the one person you tried so hard for me to get out of my life, and hated?

How do you think that made me view you, you know?

It was like I never even knew you and that you were furthering trying to punish me. You switched up on me so quick.

This wasn't the girl I knew.

I do however thank you for officially closing that door for me. I guess it did work out, huh? Talk about some sick and twisted blessing and disguise..

You are your surroundings though and I can't help but think y'all are bonding over apathy. Is that hatred for me among you two so strong? Why is it you hate me so bad? I see the memes "when you meet someone who hates the same person as you" that you've shared more than once.

Is that how you really feel??

Most of your new friends you've bonded over hating me with.. or you know, making them grow hatred for me. You're the one who took my friends and skewed people's perspective of me. You had random people blocking me or unfriending me based on your words. If I inspired you all these years, what really changed? Why do you feel the need to run my name in the dirt and make me look like an awful person? You've altered so many people's views, yet they only see your side and I haven't done this to you.. No one is out to get you. Like shit, one of your "best friends" is the same person I told it's okay to hang with you and I told you that you could trust her.. So??

What about my truth?

This was our first fight after all these years of friendship. But was it really that bad? Did our friendship have to end like this? Will we ever know?

Why didn't we fight for us and act like the adults?

Why was it so f*cking hard to communicate?

I expected more from us!

I put down that payment I'll never see again for something I thought I'd share with you forever.. We were gonna have matching tattoos, but all of sudden you were freaking out about them. Part of me wishes we still got them when we were suppose to. I wouldn't of regretted it, because at one point it meant a lot to me. Regardless, it didn't happen. Instead I still wear my knotted ring. You were so worried that tattoo would cause bad luck and be the demise of our friendship just before the fight broke out.

Yet, I felt as though that is what you wanted. Our friendship to end.

It's like you jinxed us..

I'm not here to point fingers or anything. I'm just expressing my side of the story, my truth and just to put my thoughts out there for myself. Maybe you'll see this, maybe not. But you're not a horrible person and I'm not going around saying you are, as well as "sabotaging" your life.

I haven't.

So, please stop being so damn paranoid. Be happy. Cling to the good memories and not the bad, or delusions. Im not trying to be you.. You more than anyone should know that. I am and always will be me. We were always alike. Isn't that what made us so close?

So, why the craze all of a sudden?

Why do you keep on painting this picture of me?

Everything you do and post, I feel like you're gaslighting me.

It's not okay. Please stop.

You're just furthering breaking my heart.

Our life's are on two different playing fields and non-comparable. I wouldn't change mine for the world and you have to know that. Kids will always be my life, because that is my choice and calling. I don't expect you to understand, but I at least wished you tried.

It sucks when you don't know what someone's intention is when they help you. I'm not saying I didn't appreciate everything you've done, because I did, and I do, but it goes both ways. Anything I did for you, (which we reciprocate differently, don't forget) I still wouldn't ever hold against you..

Yet, you did for me? Why? You should do things out of love for others, and because you want to, not to just hold it over their heads later on. That's not love or genuine. I just never thought I'd get that resentment from you.

I have so much to say and I'll save it for a another day because I'm stumbling off track but, you're not a bad person and I'm not a saint by any means. I've done my fair share of unpleasant things. Just know, I'm not mad at you anymore. I don't have bad things to say. It's beneath both of us really. There shouldn't be any bad blood. It's sad to think after all our years, this is what we amounted to.. I still can't help wonder what happened and if it was so easy for you to let me go. It seems like a lost cause to have any hope of getting your side of the story and I can accept that.

I can't devalue our memories and pretend they didn't occur though, because they did and they were something special. You were a big part of my life and nothing could erase that.

When I told you never to talk to me again. I didn't mean it. It was heat of the moment and your words, my hormones, got the best of me. When I said don't talk to me again, it was for me to walk away from the conversation and calm down, as well as not say anything I'd regret. But then you poked me again and I lost it.

Sure, I may have seemed a little crazy when I called you screaming. I couldn't even mumbled out what I wanted to because I was so taken back by your words. I was also very pregnant and you know, hormonal at the time.. Not to mention my best friend of half a decade just told me I'm a piece of shit.

Then I posted that status about my concert tickets, which I had up for 5 minutes before I realized I wasn't thinking clear. From there, I deactivated my Facebook account and things escalated from by standers. You made all your "baby mama drama" posts and I shared memes. I had "squad" over that day it happened and I didn't fabricate anything. They ALL saw the messages and honestly, we both are at fault for how things went down. I said some things as well, but you have to admit, mine were always vague and never as cruel.

You cannot deny that.

I still shouldn't of fueled the fire, but I did, and I can't change it, but I can admit to it. I'm at fault here too. You have reminded me who I've always been and how much I hate conflicts and need closure. Fighting is not me. Engaging in pettiness or talking about others isn't me. It never has been and I'm not going to fuel that part of me anymore. There's a battle of two wolfs within us all and I choose peace.

This is why I reached out to you last year when I did and I thought things were kosher and time was on our side. What happened though? I thought we were okay and then you were posting about me on my birthday?? I remember something you posted made me so mad that I threw my phone across the room and I couldn't understand how you could be so cruel while I was so upset. I reached out to you in hopes to fix it and then you did that. What the fuck happened??? I still don't understand and maybe I won't ever. It's a battle of mixed emotions really. At times I wish I could delete you from my life, but if I did I would be deleting one of the most important parts. All in all, I don't hate you and I'm not totally angry. I'm not all that angry anymore and I wish you the best. Maybe our path will cross again and he universe will uncover some answers.

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