To the father of my child. I am at a loss.

Subject: To the father of my child. I am at a loss.
Date: 5 Jan 2017

Our lives may have not been what we planned. They may not have been what we imagined for ourselves. Though, our lives definitely did change, for the better..or the worst? We're parents now. You see, your "life" didnt do much of the changing. You didnt go through the agonizing 9 months of morning, afternoon pretty much any time sickness or doctors appointments, and dealing with everyone's unwanted opinions regarding my diet or lack of exercise. You didnt feel the mixed emotions of happiness, sadness, the spur of the moments that made me want to jump up and do something productive or try something new but then realizing, "oh wait, im too pregnant for that" and falling into a mini deep depression. In all this you're still out with your friends, working, hitting the gym and a few nights out with the guys wont hurt anyone because after all they're your friends. Whats the big deal? Labor was a misery. The only thing that kept me hopeful was finally meeting our little bundle of joy. I thought labor was supposed to be this thing where you looked forward to it as much as i did. Even after, i was miserable. I only wanted to hold my baby. I didnt want anyone near me or him. He was mine. Time has flown by. Where did it go? The lack of self esteem, still lingers more often then not. Especially when you drill me about hitting the gym and watching what i eat and silently in your mind comparing me to that one girl you went to high school with and how good she looks even after she had a baby that you ran into at the store. Or when i catch you watching videos of hot chicks doing hardcore workouts on your timeline and showing them to me (hint, hint lard ass!). You dont see it. I dont care for my complexion, for my health, for when i shower or dont, if my hair looks like momma bird is preparing a nest for babies on my head because I've not paid mind to it in who knows how long. Im the maid, im the professional diaper changer and booger wiper. Im the cheerleader and the chef. Ive dealt with the in-laws more than i have to because to them, well, im underqualified to be a parent and they know best. They always do. I love you and our baby with all of me and all i have. I wouldnt change what i do, the sacrifices i make, the decisions i make and have made for anything or anyone in the world. I think that to myself at any moment my mind starts to veer off into "wishful thinking" thoughts. Is there room for improvement? Can i better myself? Can i dress better? Can i lose the weight? Tell me, what can i do to make you want me again...the way you used to. Will this make or break our relationship? I am at a loss. Help.

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