A Diamond Guy?

Subject: A Diamond Guy?
Date: 1 Jan 2017

A Narcissists' New Years Wish.....
A truly Happy New Year!!??

43 now
At least 35 years of waking up feeling anxious
Of feeling let down by the first of many females....mother
Of feeling frightened of anger...father
But feeling such rage despite that fear?
I am a victim, feel sorry for me please and I will play the victim some more
It was a defence mechanism to begin .... Now a very sad way of life
So feel sorry for me please, be there, offer support, kindness, love
But I don't know how to give anything back....so I won't try
I know It sounds like madness ..

At least 35 years of not being able to speak up
Or have my own views, so I take other's and pretend they are mine
I need to be the best... A perfectionist in the making
I needed to prove my worth to them...to everyone...to myself?
I surely have now.. A doctor who empathises and cares
A good guy that will help anyone out...it looks good doesn't it?
I'm sure I have succeeded now, look at me now
Tell me how great I am, you must admit it...I must admit it?
I need constant reassurance and praise
Is it to give me a sense of self worth? Really?
Why?
'Cause it's all pretend??
I know It sounds like madness...

At least 35 years of making sure it wasn't my fault
Of making sure I make it someone else's fault
Everyone else's fault!
Particularly the females who claimed to love me
There must have a few at least?
So what if I was passive/aggressive at times
So what if I lied at times
So what if I go silent at times
So what if I can't be around to support or have issues with intimacy
So needy..... crazy and overly emotional they were
Do I know emotion, do I feel it, surely I do?
Now that sounds like madness....

At least 35 years spent developing the narcissistic traits that I use so well
Crazy making, gas lighting, projecting and a wickedly cold attitude and tone
So cutting, so disruptive, so hurtful, so sad
I feel alive,powerful and in control when I've upset her....like my father was when I was upset as a child
She seemed such a strong woman but yet so so weak
No respect for her
She couldn't stand up for me
She couldn't stand up to meShe allowed me to get hurt
She allowed me to hurt her
Am I mixing women in my life up?
Am I making the woman pay for my mothers sins?
Why?
Now that sounds like madness....

As I see in another year will I be alone?
I will pretend I don't care
I am already looking for someone else
There will be another fool out there
I can hide behind the mask like I did with the others
I can profess this one will be 'the one'
She will be for a while
Until my mask slips
Until I stop getting my own way
Until she wants something in return for her adoration, love and caring
What she says she wants is to feel the same, to be adored, to share, to be a team?
I can't do that!
No that would be madness....

What a fool she is!
Or am I the fool, I can never admit it, the voices tell me but I need to prove them wrong, I need to prove everyone wrong.
I'm not ugly both inside and out....Ug?
I am worthy, dad, mum my exes ...will surely tell me now
What dad another crisis, is that how you see me?
Is that how I see me?
No that would be madness....

She calls me a NARCISSIST
She hates me now like the ex wife
She needs help, all those bitches need help or am I projecting again
What me get help? Never !
That would mean admitting to myself and others that something's wrong
I couldn't do that
That would be madness...

Another unhappy year!!!

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