To the boy who gave up on me

Subject: To the boy who gave up on me
Date: 12 May 2017

To the boy who gave up on me,
I know at times I was mean and cruel to you. I had days where I wasn't feeling okay and when I needed you, I wasn't able to communicate it correctly to you and I'd feel even worse than before. I would get angry or annoyed and you were able to handle it for a while, but then you met her. When I communicated to you that I felt uneasy with you befriending her, you took it as me being controlling and as me eventually being "the worst person you ever met," but what you didn't understand was that your attention was going to someone new. You'd always deny any sort of feelings that I suspected you had for her, but I knew you took a liking to her because instead of saying, "baby, you have nothing to worry about, I love you," you said "I didn't know we had run our friends by each other." What you didn't realize is that I knew she would be the girl you were going to leave me for because she was nice, and I couldn't do anything about it. I suppose it was my fault for not changing, but I realized we were too similar in our temperament, and she was a calm ocean that you needed - yet, recently, you treated her the same way you treated me a year ago. You left her sitting by herself, so you could talk to my date. You had called him shady earlier this year - saying how after we broke up, after you broke up with me, he "was always around you [me]." Why would you want to talk to someone who's "shady"? Why were you so interested in my date - your ex girlfriend's date, the girl who you claimed you didn't love anymore and your actions of going into a committed relationship showed that you "moved" on? The truth is, you were giving me the lowkey attention you gave to her one upon a time, because I was shiny again. I looked/was radiant, happy - I literally glowed and my hearty laugh filled the room that night; and it reminded you of what you had. It reminded you how even though I would get angry, upset, and say mean things, that I loved you with all that I was, that I was a girl capable of moving mountains and bringing light to a gloomy day. I was shiny again, and perhaps I would've remained shiny if you hadn't taken my shine away with all the small things that killed me. Maybe things would've been better if we got to know each other better, how the other wanted to feel and receive love. But guess what? This isn't about the "maybes," this is about how you and I both fucked up something that could've been wonderful, passionate, encompassing, and good. Please understand that I'm not fully blaming you for making me feel like crap, nor am I going to blame myself for the way you acted towards me. We both did things that ruined our forever, but judging from recent circumstances, you are not the person I want to receive love from. So many times I thought, "Fuck you. you're no longer shiny to me, you're tainted," but then I'd see you and I'd be reminded - but I'm just beginning to take things at face value. You're not the same boy that I fell in love with - he wasn't manipulative. Back to your "new," girlfriend. I honestly pray that you don't hurt her as much as you hurt me (no matter how much and how long I despised her). I hope you treat her better and with that comes learning how to love her - I hope you're patient enough for her, because you definitely weren't with me. I hope you love her enough so that she never feels threatened by another female, like I was. I hope that she is loved enough, even though she was the one who took you from me, claimed she knew the pain of it, but still continued to work her magic. I loved you for so long, and maybe I still do, but fuck you for taking my shine away and acting like you did nothing to break me. Fuck you for wanting to come back when I began to be myself again. Fuck you for hurting me so deeply, that I was never able to put into words what you did and how it made me feel - until now. 10 months later.

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